peaks and valleys: december 2021
well hello there! have not seen you since last year….. sorry but those jokes will always be funny to me! it takes a certain je ne sais quoi to appreciate jokes that are so bad they are actually perfect.
after increasing my screen time exponentially by reading research articles, blinds, op-eds, and bravolebrity blogs for the 12 days of blogmas, i did a culture catch up for two weeks and by culture catch up, i mean i watched every princess switch and organised my five planners while binge watching too many tv shows!
peaks
12 days of blogmas! it was fun for ME! this substack was created as a variation of my journal that i am opening to the public. something fun for the winter time! you either start a substack or watch yourself make an exorbitant amount of twitter threads!! my favourite bits to come of it were writing about amanda bynes, the (extremely cursed) ace family, and heading up the jeremy strong defense league. i also loved hearing your feedback/gossip because that is my lifeblood!!! i want a deuxmoi1
except less cringe/gawker stawkerthat lacks the bad info! call me evan rachel wood in 2001 because i am addicted to little secrets! thank you for reading! you are all so funny and lovely and have great taste! (clearly)end of the year lists!!!!! i truly just love reading lists (virgo moon; goal oriented clown) but there is so much that happens in a year and i infamously embody the “depression causes memory loss” meme because of my unending media diet2! i wrote about a few of my favourite things in 2021 and i still forgot to include how mythic quest was one of my sleeper favourites of the year/the only show that i watched to perfectly nail covid in a way that captured this pandemic’s devastation without hitting you over the head with it. most of my favourite mediums have been churning them out and it has made me turn into the blinking man gif3 because wow what a fucking year!!! so much happened and subscribers will receive a very conclusive recap of 2021 this month!
this tiktok couple channel carloandsarah that is very corny but very pure!!!! “angel no!” has never been my gut response when i am pissed off at someone. carlo is italian from italy and sarah is half italian from america so you love to see the italian on italian crime not directed by ridley scott. the trend of having an italian spouse/relative is so hot right now (how are there this many italian husbands and where can i rent one) on tiktok and i am seated for every single one because i support my family members. to all the happy couples, 😭c😭o😭n😭g😭r😭a😭t😭u😭l😭a😭z😭i😭o😭n😭i😭
television is still in her prime, despite sweetbitter and mozart in the jungle no longer in her rotation!
succession: the thing i have been wanting for so long and was teased out at the beginning of the season FINALLY happened. the three muskalears are a united front against daddy dearest. but as the writers warned us with the title of the finale, all the bells say: too late. i loved this season. i will also not be satisfied until i can stream honesty by kendall roy. i get everything i need constant actionwise from grey’s anatomy; with succession, the slow burn of the characters boiling makes the finale so much more satisfying and hurtful! eh tu, toilet wine connoisseur?? boo souls, indeed!
insecure: my watching of this final season was sporadic in tiny chunks. i tried to tell myself i could hold off from watching, to save it for a time when i really need it; mostly, i did not want to say goodbye. but i could never stay away too long and on a day when i was home alone, i watched the final two episodes and cried…but in a cool way. insecure is the first show i have ever seen that felt like real people! as a member of the no purpose flour gang, girls never really gave what it was supposed to give me! a great show that understood its assignment but who am i supposed to actually relate to and why is it marnie earnestly doing a kanye west cover? my gorgeous nepotism babies had some great arcs but they will never be issa and molly!!!! men come and go (and come back then go then come back and then go and then come back, etc) but that friendship ending where it did and being the final moments of the show?? screaming, crying, throwing up, etc! i always identified (for better or worse) as a molly, but after the finale i am reminded that i actually am lawrence’s dad, marcus?? i truly loved how the final episode ended!! the finale did so much fan service that felt true to the characters and their growth and after watching the new spiderman movie, glad that they are all still existing in A universe even if not ours. aisha harris for npr summed up the show with the best theme song perfectly, “what insecure did was capture the precarious nature of life in all its moments, big and small, and demonstrate the ways we can and cannot take control of how they act upon us, and how we react to them.”
it’s always sunny in philadelphia: curb your enthusiasm had one of the best episodes of television this year but sunny always delivers that same energy! when they did the episode about who the gang voted for??? after watching 15 seasons, i knew something was afoot but i was still gagged for the reveal!!! they always find a way to surprise you even when you are suspicious! it still makes me cry from laughing and most of my serotonin of the year comes from the setup for the title card!!!! stupid stupid STUPID but perfect show.
sex lives of college girls. “hot guys don’t journal. they just let their thoughts fade away. it’s what makes them so hot.” that was the original line i saw being circulated that made this show move to the top of the queue for me! mindy kaling and gullah gullah island STAR vanessa baden helmed the writing staff which explains why it is so precise and a constant gut punch of laughs, cringe, and emotional Moments. one of the funniest criticisms of the show is that “mindy kaling just writes herself into whatever project she is working on” like marriage story and a million other marriage storys do not exist! it is a great first season and tackles a lot more nuanced topics than the title would make you think! for a brief moment of light and reprieve during existing at this moment and time brings, i cannot recommend timmy chalamet’s ¿not twin? sister’s show!
elite shorts: unlike succession, most shows do not pick up seconds after where they left off. the elite shorts (hard to remember it is pronounced ay-leet-ay because everything about this show is so ee-leet!) are a nice little snack to tide you over for the meal of a full season. whoever thought of this deserves a raise because they are so fun and make me look forward to the storyline of even the most unlikeable characters (cayetana)! while i am deeply in love with benjamin, he could never fill the void carla’s absence has left in my heart!! and yet the samu/omar shorts came very close because it focused on their friendship and the knockoff onlyfans! what more could a girl want! some spanish speaking people have warned and waned about the quality of the writing but spain’s riverdale is my favourite show on television!!! if you are not afraid to look camp in the eye, DALE!
grey’s anatomy: people that complained about succession season 1 being hard to get into or season 3 being “slow” clearly do not watch this show! the thought of sitting down to watch an episode of grey’s and not be taken on the most insane ride of your life EVERY single episode?!?! i would live for an episode where the characters just have normal personalities, conversations, and nobody explodes or falls off a cliff! not a LITERAL cliff hanger being the finale…. the amount of therapy shondaland should be bankrolling for me… maybe the day i am finally able to get into station 19 i will receive the hidden code for free therapy
babysitter’s club: this is so sweet and invokes what hallmark spends it life failing to achieve! i usually have a no child actor intake policy because it makes me creeped out thinking about kirsten dunst’s first kiss being brad pitt, drew barrymore’s life, the privates lives of the stranger things’ cast, etc., but this show showcases rather than exploits these lovely little stars in the making. i still revisit dear mr henshaw every once in a blue moon, and i get that same sweet glow from watching the girls navigate middle school! as someone (scarily) closer to turning 30 than 13, i still want to he claudia kishi when i grow up!!!!
emily in paris: um this was truly awful!!! like the first season did not lean THIS MUCH into making the main character this unlikeable aka carrie bradshaw syndrome. i do not enjoy slow burn so emily + gabriel ??? HATE being edged this way. truly cannot say enough how much i hate emily; it will be hard to separate that from the offspring of phil collins!!! you have been in paris for a year and your pronunciation is still That??? le choke!!! duolingo is right there you hick! truly such an underrated plot point of season 1 because emily cooper is certainly la plouc!!!! regardless i will be seated for season 3! if nothing else to see how they top jeremy o. harris’s insane cameo
sex and the city reboot! happy for all that celebrate but i would not be the woman i am today without having found my aunt’s dvds and being introduced to samantha jones when i was still in elementary school. so if there is no sam jones, there is no show for me! sarah jessica parker also did a surprise call in when i was next on the line and almost prevented me from speaking to my idol carol burnett so forever team kim!!!! it should also be noted that the season 1 cast of and just like that is older than the season 1 cast of the golden girls…….. (editor’s note: hey it’s che diaz!)
movies. after two years of being locked away at home, i finally started to emerge after being triple vaxxed up! only for omicron to rear his nasty little head up!!! but i will continue to book (mostly daytime) movie tickets with little to no other audience present because i missed attending temple!!!!!!
tick tick boom. i have always been lasagna nation so i actually watched this before andrew garfield became the new it girl! he did not make me cry the way chris pine did when i first heard him sing, but i have been streaming the album! and ofc the acting was incredible!!!! andrew will always give you a Performance and this was no exception. but honestly it was bradley as stephen sondheim that almost stole the show for me because he absolutely bodied that….but the duet between vanessa hudgens and alexandra shipp definitely has me putting my sneakers on before i stream it!
encanto. very cute and yes i sobbed through it! i am a theatre kid who never had theatre available except for choir so i am a bitch about vocals! so i was ready to be Mad about not hiring the modern day jodi bensons, but for once it actually made sense to have non perfected vocals! the movie is about the perfections in imperfection and how everyone has their own strengths/weaknesses. lin manuel miranda is going to egot and possibly egoot!
eyes of tammy faye. the jessica chastain facial prosthetics cannot hurt me. the jessica chastain facial prosethetics cannot hurt me. the jessica chastain facial prosthetics cannot hurt me… i thought i was over my religious trauma of growing up extremely assemblies of god protestant, but i was feeling a little too attracted to andrew garfield’s jim baker….guess i should use travis scott’s betterhelp code…
princess switch: when former twitter legend and current podcaster/author/international jet setter ira madison iii recommends media, i run not walk because i always end up loving whatever he says (buffy fans are all the same person in different bodies, i think) but i could never pull the trigger on this vanessa hudgens vehicle because the last time i indulged netflix’s vanity projects it was hubie halloween…
princess switch 2: switched again! obsessed with how each vanessa has a different beat. and the oscar for best costume design and best hairstyling/makeup goes to......sadly, this is the worst of the three!!! the b plots are excrutiatingly dull but fiona vanessa makes it fun at least. great gowns, gorgeous gowns
princess switch 3: romancing the star! this is easily the best of the trilogy! and vanessa is tired of living her nutty professor truth so i am glad they saved the best for the last! while the stakes that cause the heist plot are a little underwhelming....it makes the movie lean into what makes this cursed trilogy so enjoyable. the disappointment of the lack of a fourth vanessa character is balanced out by the introduction of remy hii. finally a himbo that has more charisma than a paper bag! fiona has always been the best so three fionas was my personal xmas gift
don’t look up: i did not hate it when i was watching it….until i was about 70 minutes in because the girl was just dragged on for far too long! jonah hill is my Enemy because i cannot find one thing to like about most of his performances! it made me miss roman roy’s charm which is so dark sided!!! and i cannot even talk about the stock footage because what the actual hell. other than meryl’s wagon, the one thing i enjoyed (other than the ever iconic actress AND star melanie lynskey) was the music. and of course i actually Gasped when i saw it was my boy squiggle who cooked up some sick beats/the soundtrack!
west side story: “wow! that was a great movie!” my four year old sister said as we left the theatre. she slept through most of it, but i was glued to the screen! rachel zegler, a star is born!!!!! the casting department ate4!! actual Singers! Dancers! TALENT!!!! imagine how that works!!!!! incredible!! showstopping!!!!! should be done more, mayhaps!? i pretty much cried the last hour!!! stephen spielberg is masterful but it has been literally 30 years since he had fun with it!!! and so did i
the family stone: this was a weird year! i did not listen to that much christmas music and i broke a years long tradition of watching my beloved family stone on christmas day in favour of taking a nap! (we did still watch die hard, though.) but naturally, i did watch it twice before the year ended. and ugly cried both times!!!! truly my perfect film despite the absurdity of my least favourite trope of partner switching, especially when it comes to family! while i appreciate the fluidity of love/relationship dynamics, i could never be with someone that my sibling had been sleeping next to for months if not years! weirdo behaviour but they are my weirdos and i would be lost without them!
the podcast anything for selena! offered in both spanish and english, this podcast perfectly captures what selena meant and will always mean to so many people. i cried so much while listening! i have lived near selena’s stomping grounds most of my life so i knew what she meant to texas but hearing how much she meant to third generation mexican-americans just added another layer to both my love/appreciation for her but also to my deep sense of loss of all the things she could have given the world if she had not been so senselessly stolen from us. i never thought i would feel empathy for selena’s father but the host and creator of the show, maria garcia, presented selena’s life in a truly fair light instead of the dewy glow it has been cast in since he passed. i truly enjoyed listening to this 11 episode ode to the cumbia queen that i wish that a spinoff of selena fan service could be made. if the office can have seventeen podcasts about it and every failed comedian gets an exclusive spotify deal, why can i not have an incredible journalist/fellow selena stan break down every single selena song??? but i guess that’s why the saying is “anything for selenas/salinas” and not anything for jordans!! 💜💜💜💜💜
egot winner whoopi goldberg in thom browne. looking forward to her starring role in midsommar 2 and/or the darkest chapter in the sister act saga yet
valleys
little mix is taking a *hiatus* to pursue solo projects and other endeavours. after winning xfactor and ten years of performing together, they will NOT be breaking up after their 2022 tour wraps up. i was in my phase where i would allegedly sidestep my vpn and tap into the itv and bbc’s best offerings so i was there for the one direction of it all but i was THERE for the little mix!! their old wardrobes were not something i would have personally selected for them but the harmonies were undeniable! where were you when you first heard them sing “how ya doin” acapella? i have gone through so many personal milestones since the first time i saw them. we are all around the same age (let the record show that jesy will turn 30 years before the rest of us) and so i cannot even imagine spending the most formative years of my adult life under such intense public scrutiny and to also never stop never stopping! i totally understand their decision and agree that they deserve a break after giving birth (HOWEVER my future wife jade is still childless and does not have a ring), losing a bandmate, having said bandmate publicly beef with them and use nicki minaj to hurt them, work with charlie puth, and giving us such fantastic albums and live shows! they are solely to blame for me being team arianie now because i went to several of her shows just to see them open for her! i am Sad (like kendall roy level) for me but i am happy for them and look forward to them putting out solo projects without diddy samples 🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴
the white house using vanessa hudgen’s 2020 wine drunk instagram live as covid policy! i already wrote about it during the 2021 steamy awards but i still feel like reiterating this insane thing to say….especially someone for working for “we the people”.
travis scott is a clown. the 2021 steamys award winner of worst apology appeared with fellow lifetime clown acheivement award holder charlamagne the god for a sitdown interview following his massive astroworld tragedy and the subsequent massive lawsuits filed against him. both men were very (uncharacteristically) calm and reserved as they reflected on the tragedy….and how travis popped into dave and buster’s following his astroworld performance and later golfing with michael jordan. this is all so sad and it is unknowable if any person would be capable of handling/processing this entire situation “the right way”, but it would be nice to see the mcdonald’s collaborator at least try….
the word “cracker” now being classified as hate speech?!?! white people are insane like ?? cracker is so dumb like i have never heard that and been like wow i have just been hate crimed. now no purpose flour, on the other hand…. i just cannot believe twitch, twitter, facebook, and other ethically ambiguous online platforms in their jussie smollet era!
england weekend at bernies-ing the queen and thought nobody would know??? they really going to do everything to keep charles off the throne i know he is SICK… almost as sick as people magazine for their clownery for putting betty white on the cover for her 100th birthday…three weeks before it happened to promote her new in theatre special limited run. always the consummate professional, betty irished goodbye this cruel cruel world on december 31. my timeline has been nothing but nonstop tributes since so the legendary television stunt queen don’t need no PRESS PRESS PRESS. nabbing two magazine covers of the same publication in less than two weeks? rip legend(s)!!!
as a jarb, That new yorker HIT PIECE was brutal! hahahahahaha! a perfectly stupid way to end a very stupid year!!! ultimately arguing online about 0s and 1s on a tiny screen is insane! i love jeremy but he is the tip of the annoying actor iceberg and i think a lot of some of our best actors/actresses have been sidelined due to their offscreen antics! yet tom cruise is allowed to jump on whatever couch he wants and jennifer lawrence can fart *in a relatable way* into four oscar nominations! the tonal misfires of the article (imho) are about jeremy strong, but it is really about the movies of katherine heigl we have missed out on having! the air rights of burlesque! i think actors should be allowed to be a little annoying, as a treat. because there is jeremy’s laborious prep for kendall roy and then there is jared leto’s everything?? and which “method” actor really deserves any sort of bad press…
2021 was a wet fart of a year and 2022 is looking to be more of the same as the covid variants rage harder than jimmy fallon and horatio sanz :/ but manifesting a more tolerable year of existence… at least there has never been more watchable television! and like jack harlow’s cuteness ever growing by the second, new tv seasons/shows continue to drop. off to binge the final season of search party…..
xx
i wish there was one of those “explaining deuxmoi” fan accounts that went through each post because it has been over a year since i removed myself from deuxmoi’s narrative but some of their posts still make it to twitter and are they not embarrazzzed??? they are less of an elite inside source and more of a glorified tumblr ask come to instalife! which i have probably said before and i will say it again!!! because their existence is as equally puzzling to me as dietprada (someone i cannot seem to quit) but i guess it’s all in good fun!!! to live a life not deigned by facts or without total hypocrisy is not for me but who am i to cast the first tomato!!!!
this is why i love the monthly peaks and valleys because i can go back and read my own writing with barely any recollection of viewing or recalling!
it is pronounced JIFF not GIFF, as per its creator. i do not know where else i could make my stand on this clear and i regret holding this information back. i also think pulp free orange juice and crunchy peanut butter are crimes against nature, but some of my best friends indulge so no judgment…………
like most of the promo for the film, i am choosing to leave the ansel of it all out of it. for a later date, perhaps. but for now, his dark cloud cannot stop everyone else from getting their shine