peaks and valleys: march 2022
if you are reading this, you survived another pisces season. also confirming that unlike julia fox, i actually have gone goblin mode
this newsletter has also gone goblin mode and will likely cut off in your inbox so you can read it all here OR in the new substack iphone app!
peaks
AMANDA BYNES IS FREE! her conservatorships have been dissolved and she is finally free to make her own decisions again for the first time since 2013. her case is not different enough from britney’s to also be introduced as evidence against conservatorships. there has to be something else put into place before consevatorships should be reached. i also think conservatorships should be abolished entirely because much like the prison system, there is too much rot within and opportunities taken to exploit instead of help/rehabilitate. there can be underlying issues (that are none of our business) but being silly and goofy online should not be the nail in the coffin of your freedom. amanda’s old tweets are tame compared to what i see regularly on my timeline (and pretty much on point with what i subtweet oscar isaac regularly).
“i’m so tired that i might quit my job, start a new life. and they’d all be so disappointed ‘cause who am i if not exploited…” belts recent triple grammy winner olivia rodrigo on her song, brutal. amanda bynes is such a once in a lifetime talent that we expected to have her perform perform perform from such a young age and never be less than perfect. amanda has always been honest about her struggles and her cover story in paper magazine will always be one of my all time favourite celebrity profiles. she has been through so much and still managed to give us even more! now that she is Free, i hope amanda lets loose online the way britney has because she deserves to!!!! but regardless of what her next step in her life is, it is hers to choose so let’s celebrate That!!!!!
tiktok! sorry but she is the mother i never had, the sister i always wanted, the friend everyone should have, etc!!!! i can no longer stand silent while they slander her in the streets!!!! if you are seeing “bad” tiktoks, the call is coming from inside the house!!!! yes tiktok the company is a corporation so it is inherently evil. but the people who log in to create content are nothing less than super stars!! all the conservative freaks whose existence is hating other people and despising human rights have never made an appearance on my fyp and i have spent an ungodly amount of time on the app!
if you need someone to send you good tiktoks, say that!!! i have you covered on future grammy winners, bizarro skits, besties, gorgeous girls, more gorgeous girls, men being funny, makeup/skincare/haircare, momtok, dorinda medley, HIMBOS, middle aged men singing while using iMac filters, legends who invented lip syncing, jim woods automotive, dancing but like either the really good actual dancing or old people absolutely hitting the slayyy button, pool cleaning, that one guy who chops wood Really Good, that one guy who cooks and cleans in a way that is a little too sexy, food opinions, foodporn cooking, recipes, reba cosplay, deep fake tom cruise, decorating and more importantly demolition, animals, general slay queening, my wife doing car things, jaboukie, the person who is the reason i cannot stop adding ussy to every word for over a year now, and just general ones that will make you laugh like the girl did in the bbq sauce on my tiddys vine. and that is just to name a Few!!!!!
tiktok has a ton of very serious issues with the content it ADMITTED to surpressing and the people they do promote so i totally understand wanting to pass on it in order to do something that will not smooth your brain. but you know you That Bitch when you cause all this conversation and by all this conversation i mean facebook hiring a conservative firm to slander my clickity clock app in the streets!!! and zuckerberg and i’s interests begin and end at our shared taste in bbq sauce! sometimes having fun is ok!!! and who cares if the app is stealing your biometric data!!!! :’-)
NORMANI!!!!!!!!! SHE IS COMING!!!!!! finally nearly four years after i have been Patiently Waiting…..she is leaving her sky ferreira era and entering her giving me an album era (inshallah)!!!!!!! for now, i am absolutely continuing to give her my streams and unfortunately giving james fallon my views.
unfortunately, instagram!!! my holy trinity of queens (angelmamii7, britney spears, and coco_pinkprincess) always only post immaculate Content but this month has been unreal. my guiding light angel has been slayyyying with her thumbnail experimentation, (the coolest 11 year old on the planet) princess coco dropped a siiiiick new fashion collab with maison special, and britney has been using the notes app as god intended!!! for far too long, jaboukie has reigned as captain of team tweet and delete and now britney has brought that energy to her instagram. while writing her book, she has been working through a lot of feelings and is kind enough to let us in on her journey. yeah, harper got a deal because this book is about to be BANGING!!!!! happy women’s history month!!!!!!!!!!!
charli xcx and i have a long tenured history of love/hate. i mostly love her music/hate how she dropped out of her tour and left me with an nonrefundable yee yee trip to texas. but we are back on more than speaking terms because yuck! and used to know me are two songs that will be making my most played songs of this year. not since three years ago when needy by queen ponytail dropped has someone so perfectly perceived my inability to be emotionally vulnerable despite being extremely a Pisces!!!! YUCK, indeed!
jeremy strong throat goat. i will not be elaborating.
tv & movies: honestly between listening to hasan piker’s twitch stream, making memes about hasan’s twitch stream that he can watch on his twitch stream, and watching every oscar nominated movie, i really am behind on my small & silver screen viewings!!! for the first time since 2005, i am actually behind on grey’s anatomy. but nothing could keep me from watching abbott elementary and the cursed this is us. april is culture catch up so i will have Thoughts next month! but currently my only thought is that i will NOT be doing an oscars binge watch next year….probably….
valleys
march 25 marked the 7th anniversary of when zayn left one direction.
that being said…PLEASE stream nobody is listening so that i am not legally obliged to change my name to nobody (mitski, 2018).
🎶this is for my people who just lost somebody, your bubba, your katie, your dawg or your schwartzy. put your hands way up high and we won’t ever say bye bye bye bye bye bye bye🎶 devastating news was delivered via instagram notes app grid posts to those who are intellectually superior and have stayed loyal to the thinking man’s reality television goldmine, vanderpump rules. even if you stopped watching the show after bravo cleaned house of its onscreen and irl supervillains, it should be no surprise that tom schwartz and katie maloney have called it quits on their marriage after being married on the show X years ago. well, actually katie ended it according to tom’s post which made me realise why celebrities always do joint instagram notesapp statements. i wonder how this will play out onscreen or if bravo will finally pull the plug on my favourite franchise. either way, i am just glad dawg is not around to see this all go down
The Slap. who cares. truly. not even mgk and megan fox’s shenanigans have made me wish i was no longer alive more than the WEEKS of discourse surrounding the oscars. not even when lalaland fake won an academy award did the internet stay abuzz this way. and yet, still, the only Slap i am interested in hearing takes about is zachary quinto’s legendary 2015 one.
i drive the cousin of the hamster’s car and yet it now takes 50 dollars to fill my tank up…. i now also cry when i watch the train guy imagining a world where america had a glorious public national railway…..
march is my birthday month and this year i entered my last year to be eligible to listen to sza’s 20 something. my youngest sister (who is 4) asked me if we would still be sisters next year because grandmas cannot be sisters… so looking forward to the nursing home she also says i have to move to!!! viva la shuffleboard!
scammer of the millenium and certified genius…at failing upwards elon musk continues his mission to have The most annoying online presence. posting bad memes that are not even funny like you are a 12 year old…?!?!?! don’t you have a company to run and six young children to care for??? how about you log off twitter and work on the cyber truck bozo
(ironically i wrote this before he bought twitter shares and a spot on the twitter board lmao)
anyway that is going to do it for march 2022. april is upon us and unfortunately the forecast for current affairs is not great…but more on that sunday….
xx
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