peaks and valleys january 2025: does anybody on here do voodoo? i got some elected officials i want turned into a possum tonight...

"it’s been january for months in both directions" -kaveh akbar

january always feels like the longest month. the cold splash of reality after months of holiday frenzies. but this month has been something out of some dystopian stephen king hellscape. the year started with a terrorist attack in new orleans. wildfires in california consuming thousands of acres in the blink of an eye, leaving devastation and ashes where homes and businesses once stood. a convicted felon on 34 counts (donald j. trump) was officially sworn in as president. after a grueling and devastating year of unrelenting terror and genocide, a (shaky) ceasefire between israel and hamas was called…only for trump to allow israel to once again start purchasing 2000 pound bombs. challengers was shut out at the oscars. david lynch died. tiktok was banned in the united states…for a full (and devastating) 14 hours. the deep south was covered in snow. even just trying to reflect back on the month of horrors feels exhausting. this month was pretty bleak and i blackout in the booth in terms of finding things that spark joy so apologies for this one and cheers to hopefully 11 more months that are nothing of the sort.

peaks

1. i am never beating the dramatic allegations but i will die with dignity, unlike 99.9% of people who make a living posting tiktoks. when it looked like the ship was going down, some of the most famous tiktok creators all collectively admitted their darkest secrets...using a sound from family guy. they had faked videos, workouts, recipes, RELATIONSHIPS, scandals, anxiety pens, etc. honestly, most of it was very lacklustre years old tea and i have long since learned to be skeptical of all media ever since kim kardashian got a butt x-ray that said she was totally natural… the most unsurprising of them all was duolingo mask offing to reveal a bald white man. who else would be capable of relentlessly tormenting me over a decade…

   

2. it’s always sunny in abbott elementary was somehow even better than i anticipated. dennis being removed from the narrative entirely is so funny. i need an entire season of this collaboration. i never realised how much both of these shows had impacted my life until the eagles were headed to the superbowl and i realised how many players i know and how much enthusiasm i had for my absolute least favourite sport (boring and cte scares me almost as much as the deep sea)

3. nosferatu, like challengers, was both one of my favourite films of last year AND snubbed by the oscars. i did not think i could love it more until it became a trend on tiktok to do full nosferatu drag. from dancing to george michael to recreating scenes from the movie to asmr to Bouncing On It. i can still think of much scarier things than a man who is 6’4” with a stupid moustache and even stupider bank account but nevertheless…

   

4. there will never be another david lynch and his passing felt even more gut wrenching knowing his final days were marked by the solitude his emphysema brought him and the wildfires exasperating his failing health. he was such a kind man, a beautiful soul, one of the most prolific artists of all time, and the world’s greatest weatherman¹. he leaves behind such a hole in the hearts of many loved ones and fans but his legacy will live far beyond any of our lifetimes. many fans and friends of the icon were lamenting the loss online and sharing such wonderful and fond memories. many people posted about how this had inspired them to start rewatching twin peaks but i think if somebody truly wants to honour lynchian cinema, they should tune in to our greatest modern television show: riverdale

   

5. bruno mars and lady gaga made a song that i still cannot decide if i like² so i do not know about a smile, but i will die with my paws up since this month the owner of haus labs announced that she is dropping her next album, mayhem, on my actual birthday. “the album started as me facing my fear of returning to the pop music my earliest fans loved.” gaga said in a statement to to the press that i did not even bother to finish reading because i could not stop screaming WE ARE SO BACK

6. i have been on a dark journey (rewatching southern charm with my bestie) so both iterations of traitors are still at the top of my queue but that has not stopped me from consuming all of the clips from the new season. while tom sandoval’s withdrawal sweats seemed like they would be the most incredible Moment from the season, but bob the drag queen beefing with zac efron still makes me scream every time

7. "let me make one final plea, mr. president," bishop mariann budde said in her 15-minute sermon during a prayer service at washington's national cathedral the day after the inauguration, with trump and vance in the front row. "millions have put their trust in you. and as you told the nation yesterday, you have felt the providential hand of a loving god. in the name of our god, i ask you to have mercy upon the people in our country who are scared now. there are gay, lesbian and transgender children in democratic, republican, and independent families, some who fear for their lives…the people who pick our crops and clean our office buildings; who labor in poultry farms and meat packing plants; who wash the dishes after we eat in restaurants and work the night shifts in hospitals, they – they may not be citizens or have the proper documentation. but the vast majority of immigrants are not criminals. they pay taxes and are good neighbors…i ask you to have mercy, mr. president, on those in our communities whose children fear that their parents will be taken away. and that you help those who are fleeing war zones and persecution in their own lands to find compassion and welcome here. our god teaches us that we are to be merciful to the stranger, for we were all once strangers in this land.”

valleys

1. long live xi jinping. tiktok was taken away from americans for approximately fourteen hours and i absolutely crashed out for at least ten of them. thankfully, xiaohongshu aka red note was there to welcome us with open arms even before our idiot government pried the clock app from our cold hands and app stores. there were so many sweet chinese people who were on red note teaching the idiot americans about their app, which is a combination of instagram, tiktok, pinterest, and yelp. they also were teaching us very funny phrases to say in chinese, as well as how to pay our taxes to them aka post pictures of our cats. it is still a much better app than any of the social media ones we have stateside so imagine my surprise when tiktok was restored to americans, only for them to start trashing red note. it was actually extremely rude, tasteless, and racist. if only the government could ban tiktok influencers, the world would be a better place. i still adore rednote but have relapsed while unemployed for a few months, putting up michael jordan-esque numbers on the screentime board for the app that has never been the same since it came back.

   

2. the oscar snubs usually only include films left off but i personally felt snubbed by the inclusion of emilia perez at all, let alone in so many categories. challengers was my favourite film of 2024 so for it to receive ZERO nominations to emilia perez’s THIRTEEN definitely made me crashout but nobody has truly crashed out continually about ep more than katya zamolodchikova on the bald and the beautiful. let the record show my disdain for ep was solely based on the quality of the musical which only added to my personal horror after seeing all the resurfaced tweets of its star.

   

3. 2024 was an especially dark year for me and took me to places i would not go with a gun. the number one place being back into the disgusting category of identifying as someone who loves sport. i have officially come out of retirement and i apologise in advance for who i will become during march (both as a march pisces and a lifelong duke fan). the worst and most surprising team that has entered my heart (and espn notification alerts) is quinn hughes the vancouver canucks. my little divas were fighting and jt miller got traded to another team i have spent an embarrassing amount of time over the years yelling in person and at my tv about the new york rangers. it has been looking even more bleak ever since. to care this much about a CANADIAN team with a 26-18-11 record is definitely not rock bottom but it does feel like i might as well be a knicks fan at this point because much like mitski, i am addicted to betting on losing dogs (thinking the mets will win)

   

4. after such a rough start this month and the last couple months of 2024, the world has felt so crushingly fragile and small. and cold. i found myself doing what i used to do when that feeling crushed my chest when i was a kid: i buried it under a pile of books. by the time you are reading this, i have read 47 books this year. tiktok is the main reason i found my love for reading again. after years of being on witchtok and cookingtok and oldpeoplebecomingcontentcreatorstok…and last year after having my heart ran through a cheese grater twice and handed back to me when i finally found myself on booktok, for once, i listened and did NOT judge. i found some books i would not normally have picked up that i really enjoyed. discovering emily henry was like that first big breath of air after a long run. after reading her entire bibliography and that of cooking legend abby jimenez, to quote reba: then the torture started… sent from MY ipad. if i had to describe my experience reading the most popular books on the clock app or which ones i recommend to read, i would reference this scene in o brother where art thou. i am deeply concerned with the state of the literary works being published, the mental and emotional beings of the authors and consumers, and pretty much am on the brink of an existential crisis after reading the things that i have read. one time, my darling friend elijah daniel wrote the most insane fan fiction that he published on amazon about his torrid love affair with then first time presidential candidate donald trump. banished from amazon and treasured in our hearts, it was nobel prize worthy poetry compared to the slums of the female psyche that i vacationed in this month during my unemployment era.

   If Booktok was a community of men we would be calling the police

5. i can take the rain on the roof of this empty house (carrie underwood singing at the inauguration); that don’t bother me…BUT what hurts the most is seeing rascal flatts, gavin degraw, the village people, snoop dogg, rick ross, and the people’s princess aka soulja boy also attend/perform. i know a bag is a bag and i love to see the people that make up a majority of my playlists collect one but we have long since passed the point of being able to say politics are irrelevant because they are currently and actively trying to strip away rights from nearly if not all minority groups in this country. anyone with even the most elementary understanding of logic should have the foresight to realise even if somehow lacking empathy for those currently suffering, that once they are eliminated, the next lowest rank on the totem will be on the chopping block. all of That aside, there are so many things about the current administration, the “red pilled” community online, and the amount of misinformation and ai running rampant that make me start to feel like i am losing my grip on reality. for instance, reading that trump not only appointed “special” ambassadors to hollywood but that he chose mel gibson, jon voigt, and sylvester stallone. congratulations to the cast of daddy’s home 2!!

6. and as if things were not bad enough already, david dobrik made his return to youtube…and the podcasting world. if david dobrik has zero haters, i am dead. showing not an ounce of empathy or remorse or growth, david dobrik took along his scraggler squad to the eighth wonders of the world. he almost killed one friend, helped another friend cover up sexual assault, and bragged about getting his cohost to sexually assault one of their guy friends on his podcast by saying the biggest joke of it all being that he is black and from compton so the “kissing prank” was even funnier because his friends would really harass him about it. but none of That matters because he has abs now! he even brought mr. beast in his comeback video. i am sure they bonded over how they each helped their own sexual predator bestie cover up their crimes. i do not know who this comeback is for and especially after collaborating with mr. beast, it is only a matter of time before they murder someone for sport and/or a video. aLLeGeDLy. trisha paytas said it best on just trish, “yolanda (salivar), go back to prison. david, go back to snapchat! it’s better for you!!!”

   

favourites

album: DeBÍ TiRAR MáS FOToS - bad bunny. even bad bunny’s biggest haters have to acknowledge this absolute banger fest of an album. not only is every song infused with the same sanderson sister spell that will turn you into a parent in hocus pocus, but beyond the alluring reggaeton there is such a beautiful hidden messages in the songs and visualisers. bad bunny compares puerto rico to hawaii and warns of what is at stake if the overtourism and displacement continues. in short, it is a perfect album on every level and it will be hard for someone to knock it off my top spot this year.

article:

Wellbutrin Turned Me Into A Korn Fan

book: what my bones know: a memoir of healing from complex trauma - stephanie foo

cover:

jortscenter: pretty much everything 7’3” victor wembanyama does is perfect and i am wishing him well :-(

movie: i disagree with the academy that it should be the Best Picture of the year but starting the new year watching the wicked sing-a-long with my sisters was certainly one of the more pleasant new year’s days of my life. i also mostly just read this month, clocking in 35 books total so the only movies i watched were that one and the best installment of the trolls franchise with my baby sister

song: robert downey jr. may have (undeservedly) won the best supporting actor oscar for floppenheimer but he could never deliver even half of the emotion charles melton brought to may december and jennie’s latest music video. like her blackpink sisters³, jennie is allergic to releasing bad music. love hangover has been on loop but her next single featuring doechii drops next month and i might break my car speakers blasting it

thing jeremy strong did this month:

tiktok: a la lanita nana still goes platinum in my house

tv show: the price of glee (hbo max). as someone who bought a GLEEK bracelet at vans warped tour, i have consumed so much glee content that i thought i had seen and heard it all. little did i know, hbo max had other plans. mostly because i never dreamed of hearing the glee tragedies from the perspective of some of the crew, cory monteith’s old roommate and gustavo from big time rush. i deleted twitter off my phone in december so big ups to my friend ray who found himself at the receiving end of my live text updates as i screamed my way through the three episodes. lea michele getting the courtney love edit was somehow not the most insane part of the entire series. but it was so unexpected and insane that i honestly have to stan the producers and editors

white boy of the month: #11 for the boston bruins, trent frederic. he is a 220 pound 6’3” aquarius who CAN fight

youtube video: when the yard podcast announced that they were doing a rockband marathon rock-a-thon livestream to raise funds for those affected by the california fires i did not know what i expected and i still do not quite have words for the things that i saw but not since 1d day have i felt the need to publicly declare my love for grown men. they ended up raising over 225k but now they have three actively bald members so was it really worth it?????

that’s all for now. i say a little prayer for you all…

xx

1. when he stopped doing these, i felt a deep sense of loss and sadness that i never felt after ANY breakup i have ever gone through, including to the person i was going to marry

2. full disclosure, when i say something like this it is the equivalent of saying that you know fast food is bad right before driving to get late night french fries. i know every word and have listened to it no fewer than 40 times

3. it truly has never been a better time to be a girl group stan because everything every member of blackpink, flo, and little mix has put out is perfect. jade is HER