peaks and valleys: january 2022
rip betty white, andré leon talley, and manfred thierry mugler. the world is truly worse without you. i HATE the rule of three 💔💔💔💔💔
(this post is too long so it will probably cut off in your inbox, but you can read it in full here)
peaks
JANET JACKSON is having her moment….two decades later. meanwhile, justin timberlake is hiding in the shadows (with women who are not his wife aLLeGeDLy) promoting his flop films. nature is healing!!!!! IT IS ABOUT TIME! you know how tayla swiff and the artist formerly known as kanye west’s have had beef since the vmas THIRTEEN YEARS AGO?? over a drunken Moment?? yeah the only person who should have that level of petty fury is miss jackson herself because we should ALL be writing songs filled with our apologies for the way we allowed her to be treated!!! it was her freaking nipple!!!!!!!! nobody died!!!! football players are suffering life long brain injuries from tossing a ball around and yet because of a nanosecond slip of the nip, she was majorly erased from the conversation as true force of talent she has always been!!! she had already released 7 albums by the time the worst member of n’sync used her as a stepping stool to further his fame! NASTY RAT!!!!!! janet may have said she forgives him but i never will!!!! the ny times documentary on hulu started my year off FIRED UP about the frosted timerflake but her own documentary only threw gasoline on that fury because the fact that he is so publicly intertwined in two of the most incredible performers we will ever see?? and he is still using his attachment to both to keep him relevant??? HUAH PUH!!!!!! we will never fully get back the years les moonves stole from us but i look forward to dancing on his and david letterman’s graves! anyway justice 4 janet and stream all for you which is truly a perfect album!!!! i will never forget the way my soul ascended the first time i heard SON OF A GUN!!!! truly iconic songstress!!!! but more on That later this month!
liam payne started a separate twitter account solely to talk about nfts. why is this a peak? because i am FREE!!! for years i have been defending my brother because the songs are there, sorry to say! j balvin is a collaborator of beyoncé for a reason; i cannot make his songs not bop! but this is the final straw for me!!!! i thought paris hilton and jimmy fallon talking about nfts was bone chilling but nearly 80k people ready to tap in to listen to the joe jonas of one direction’s thoughts on nfts? sorry sharks but i am OUT. will be using my spare time to further push our boyfriend1 zayn’s music career now that is he is on the apps and free from the shackles of ghislaine maxwell’s alleged hideout host! but he is still stuck living in pennsylvania so please stream nobody is listening!!!!
no….but genuinely only one person who was not jlo did the lovedontcostathingchallenge. there are billions of people on this planet…. incredible
president joe byron calling that fox guy a “stupid son of a bitch”. nice. still a flop that owes me money but good one, grandpa.
TWIGS IS BACK BABY!!!! the self-described polymath did it again!!!! nothing will ever be magdalene but that did not stop her from trying. between this album and mitski’s impending album (and fiona apple’s song valentine), i do not even care about trying to have a good day anymore!!!! and caprisongs makes me actually care about spatial audio! they may be whispers about sucking dick over bjork throwaway beats2 but they are MY whispers about sucking dick over bjork throwaway beats!!!
television:
station 11: why does every cult leader or “prophet” in film have a six pack? and yet i never see them even doing a crunch? nor a jumping jack?? anyway i really enjoyed this docuseries about the Final Strain of covid-19. the one time other than she’s the man that i did not mind the shakespeare of it all! this show was truly emotionally Draining and i look forward to never thinking about it again because the actors were ACTING!!! danielle deadwyler may have actually invented Acting!!!! and yes daniel zovotto is professionally Hot but nabhaan rizwan being my favourite character in a show AGAIN and then [redacted;spoiler] AGAIN…..can my man be the lead in a romantic comedy like Last Christmas but actually good??? when nabhaan and yahya abdul-mateen ii are in a project together, society will truly heal!!!!!!
abbott elementary: i cannot even talk about this show because i could cry just thinking about it!!!! i love it so much! i watch every episode at least twice!!! shows like the office or the sopranos are worshipped and constantly imitated trying to mimic what makes them so incredible but none fully accomplish that! but quinta has done that and then some! truly a perfect show that is fun and enjoyable for the whole household! if you were in a coma or living under a rock the past two months, i envy your ability to watch this show for the first time!!!
this is us: this is trauma porn that still taps into that same vein the early seasons of grey’s anatomy did. the final season is mandy moore’s emmy to lose!!! sorry but nobody else is touching her because MY GOD. also even if you are free from the shackles of dan fogleman, kelly conaboy’s recaps are still a MUST READ!!!! they make me absolutely scream!
the righteous gemstones: if “listen up fives, a ten is speaking!” was an entire television show! i love this show so much. not enough can be said about the brilliance of casting adam devine as a youth pastor. as someone who grew up and still resides in the bible belt’s buckle, i will never be able to truly put into words how much this show absolutely nails it.
how i met your father: and just like that, the man behind about a boy and zach stone is gonna be famous has perfected nostalgia without knocking the audience over the head with it! i STILL cannot think about the finale of himym without my blood curdling but i can already tell this show will never do That to me! hilary duff and josh peck doing xtina’s dirrty choreography on a roof is not something i knew i needed but i really do!!! the old theme song and a couple subtle nods to its “mother” series is all that relates the two shows. this show feels fun and perhaps the closest thing we will ever get to the scrapped lizzie mcguire reboot! and kim cattrall absolutely hit the SLAY button…mommy? sorry! mommy? sorry…
home economics: jimmy tatro is my man and i am sticking beside him!!!! he invented being a himbo and this show truly showcases his Talent for embodying That Guy! plus karla souza and sasheer zamata should be in every show!!!! ever! himbos and the complicated emotional dynamics of siblings?? what more could i personally need or want??? maybe i am getting Soft in my elderly geriatric age as i creep closer to 30 but sitcoms are having a Moment again and i love it!!!!
queens: i am once again asking you all to tune into this show so it does not get cancelled!!!!!!! brandy raised me!!!! we owe her!!!!
pretty smart: i am a simple girl. put emily osment in something and i am going to watch it. ever since spy kids 2, emily has been an actress AND star in my heart. even though this is a netflix show, it still has that silly goofy mood of an abc family show. where in young & hungry, she was the bubbly one….in this she is….pretty smart. it is corny and cringe but somehow still incredibly charming! which is probably because the people behind the show previously worked on crazy ex-girlfriend and how i met your mother. mr. moseby even directed a third of the episodes!!!! legends only!!! netflix has STILL not announced a second season but THEY DID MAKE 80 EPISODES OF THAT STUPID RANCH SHOW STARRING CRYPTODOUCHE ASHTON KUTCHER AND ONE OF HIS SCIENTOLOGIST COSTARS FROM THAT 70S SHOW WHICH FEELS ILLEGAL!!!!!!! this show is an easy breezy ten episodes/five hours of actors with a lacklustre script (that does have its Moments) but they all commit fully!!! everybody knows what show they are in and they sell it!! with peace and love to the writers, so many of the jokes/most of the script feels like something a brand would tweet! but the actors deliver it in a way that feels so lived in! it is bonkers absurd but i also know someone just like each of the main characters! anyway i really enjoyed this show and i love emily osment so please netflix for once DO THE RIGHT THING
movies:
the hating game: honestly doubt i will watch a better movie for the rest of the year. i had to keep pausing it from laughing!!!! truly worth the 5 dollar rental cost if you need a dose of seratonin. if you want a cute romcom, i recommend love, rosie or my best friend’s wedding. if you want the vibe of scarlet takes a tumble but starring lucy hale and featuring smurf fanfiction, the hating game is for you!!!
spiderman: no way home was fun and never really had a lull period! andrew garfield is my prince and i know the spiderman meme come to life is supposed to be the gag but charlie cox as matt murdock AND arian moyed in the same film? to me, that’s cinema.
encanto is on at least once a day in our house. say what you will about the non jodi benson level vocals or the klunky stakes/storyline but in the 3-8 year old demographic, it cannot be beat!!! sometimes, kids movies are mostly enjoyable for kids and sad adults and THAT IS OKAY! see also, smurfs 2.
house of gucci: what if gone girl took place in an olive garden that used to be a two story barnes and noble? everyone is truly acting in a different film which is why the ending falls so flat for me. and yet still a better movie than bezos x havana ooh na na! overall, i am slightly interested in whatever movies al pacino and gaga are in! and how zack fox gave betty white a rip shoutout in jesus is the one, i have a similar notion for jared leto but without affection. enough!!!! let the record show that it should also be noted that not since girls have i been more intrigued by the idea of exploring the former marine’s body!!!!
valleys
foxye! that which brings joy also brings misery. of course, the fun was too fun to continue without bringing marilyn manson in the mix. if kanye really wants to be Edgy, at least get down with a juggalo and not a truly demented CRIMINAL. but the kanye being kanye of it all and “juliye” aside, a lot of you lack the Vision that was julia fox’s Look for the fashion. i am switzerland sober (off the haterade) so i held my tongue! and never have i been more glad because you have all been slandering mother pat mcgrath3’s good name!!! a great reminder that minding the business that pays you is always best, despite paper magazine’s insistence that the artist formerly known as kanye west’s business is ours.
west elm caleb is a guy who just needs to be open about what he wants! girls like sex, too!! why lie?? stop sending unsolicited nudes, period! but specifically to girls you pretend you want to date! just say you wanna smush and everyone can move on with their lives! ANYWAY the male who should be under intense scrutiny is thee damn mouse!!! not only did he pass on the lizzie mcguire reboot, he greenlit a movie about pamela anderson and tommy lee that pamela is saying is deeply hurtful?? every time i have ever tried to ride the rock-n-roller coaster, someone had “just thrown up and it was being cleaned” and it was giving very much the same energy as the mcdonalds ice cream machines’ affinity for being down.
i think parasocial does not even begin to capture the weird phenomena that happens when a celebrity or public figure experiences something tragic. when kobe bryant died, people were pulling up transcripts from his rape trial. THE SAME DAY! like who does that help?? who is it actually for?? when a celebrity loses someone, the need for attention or clout or whatever has caused total brain rot for people to think twitter needs their *hottest* takes or people try to crash the funeral?!?!?! i was listening to jennette mccurdy’s podcast with the dolan twins and they were talking about how they had to hire a security firm while their dad was still in hospice for his impending funeral because they were so worried about people saying they were going to take sneaky photos of them at the memorial service; jennette had similar fears when her mom also died of cancer. celebrities are just normal people with better plastic surgeons and bank accounts so why do we think it is okay to treat them this way? if your friend’s mother passed away, do you hop on instagram stories to talk about the one time she called you a blockhead?? i get caring about people you admire but there has to be a line!!! do not flood someone’s mentions with them saying their biggest fear was losing their child after that child dies??? like hello!?!?!
taylor swift coming out of the woods4 and proving that her social media accounts still work….despite there being nay a post nor like when my favourite album of 2021 (despite sour’s short length having a grip on my statistics) evermore turned one…. the damage mothers inflict on their children is too much!!! Enough!!!!
we are never getting another rihanna album again. this week, paid subscribers will get my full breakdown of why this is true (and why addison rae releasing halo would have changed the world)…but for now i will just quote our pisces sister olivia rodrigo…i’m happy for them but then again I’M NOT. rihanna always looks incredible but those pregnancy pics she is truly GLOWING. gorgeous beyond, as usual
being sentient. covid is steadfast about being the worst it girl ever… almost as strongly as everyone seems to be about not wearing masks and causing us to break out the entire greek alphabet. much like “ally fatigue” i in theory understand people being tired of living through a pandemic but ?? that does not change anything? it just feels that there is no end in sight!!! which is not that different than The Usual but for whatever reason i need to know how euphoria ends so would love to not be on a ventilator before then, please! but then again, astrologers are saying we have four mercury retrogrades this year so mayhaps i would not mind exploring The Great Beyond! some good news would be incredible but that seems out of the cards for me so i will go back to listening to the it’s always sunny podcast (for my court ordered doapmine) where steven spielberg is a regular guest!
and much like the days of the green m&m inventing hitting the slay button, we have reached the end!
xx
one day i will write about everything i know about one direction (the good, the bad, the simco). larry stylinson is not an altar i have ever sought refuge at (zarry, narry, and ziam are former hotspots of my collegiate k-holes of entertainment) but it is actually the perfect cover for the true darkness of how the band was treated/managed! judy garland was the blueprint :-(
i missed the gen zed cutoff by a hair so i am still young enough that we grew up talking about which sponsorships we would take if we were famous. and i have always stuck to ysl, pat mcgrath, and swiffer! tragically, celebs do not do stop-and-go sponsorships the way they used to but at least we will always have the nyc target opening.
tayla swiff will reply to an account with zero followers with a shady af comeback like go off queen but where is woodvale. sister, you are a liar first and artist second so GIVE HER TO ME!!!!! i know she is sitting pretty in the vault. free her!