peaks and valleys: holding space for 2024

clairo shade's trench coat buttoned to the TOP

peaks

1. WHO TF DID I MARRY PT 1-50. the fact that not only did i spend over seven hours listening to this truly remarkable storyteller share her truth is far less shocking to me than it is that the academy failed to even recognise the true cinematic accomplishment of the entire year, if not century. je t’aime denis villeneuve but even 355 million dollars and 5.5 hours could not come close to building a world the way tareasa johnson so effortlessly did in 50 perfect tiktoks

2. shitgate. derek blasberg and gwynny may be but i will NEVER be over this. ozempic giving celebrities the shits was already funny enough but for it to happen at gwyneth paltrow’s house and have the bandit leave the desecrated sheets and flee into the night is the onion level of unreal that just paints a reality i question every day if we are truly existing in

   

3. this was truly a great year for cinema!!!! other than emilia perez, every movie i saw this year was good. do i think hot frosty on netflix was a better movie than the oscar nominated trainwreck of a film aforementioned? yes.

4. music also had an incredible year! so many truly perfect albums were dropped but nothing topped kendrick lamar’s six time encore of not like us during his concert livestreamed by amazon. i have always been an east coast gal, but hearing dr. dre introduce not like us? for one night, west coast was best coast… even before he racked up five grammys for the song, he really IS speaking for the culture because how does the energy of over 15,000 people only get more hype during the SIXTH play of a diss song about you? having gang members put aside longstanding beef just to laugh at you and call you a pedophile?¹ yeah, drake’s surely got another type of hotline blinging right now. amazon ate this one little thing.

   

5. “it appears to be trouble in paradise for the relationship between one of our greatest living actors and ben affleck. i am sad that celebrities are seemingly Just Like Us and cannot resist getting back with an ex despite its horrific track record. the ben affleck dunkin photos, while funny, often left me just feeling sad as he has never really abandoned that energy that he had in jennifer garner’s car in the jack-in-the-box drive-thru on the way to rehab. just thinking about him makes me melancholy but i was happy he and ashanti’s former microphone had found love and seemed to be doing good…ish things together. but after allegedly “waking up from a two year long fever dream” david fincher’s least favourite actor could not even be bothered to show up to his wife’s (bridgerton themed) birthday party. the only thing more disrespectful than not acknowledging a leo’s birthday is to do so while being a leo yourself. there are no official d-word papers yet but he’s one bad haircut away from fully embracing his most divorced man yet. watch this space for ben affleck moped watch” -from my drafts in july. unfortunately, they did divorce (after SHE filed on their two year anniversary) and he did spend the second half of 2024 campaigning for Most Divorced Man in the World. if ben affleck has no haters, i am dead so a W is a W

6. life, as always, is a cabaret. countess luann spent the fourth of july with former coworker turned enemy, bethenny frankel and her daughter brynn. lea michele and emma roberts were also there. maybe we do live in the matrix…

   

7. club chalamet. at the end of the day, that is my girl and i am sticking beside her. there are a lot of writers i admire and enjoy the work of but all of them pale in comparison to my william shakespeare

8. john krasinski being this year’s people sexiest man alive. not since the alleged pedophile / minecraft content creator dream face revealed and had “HES UGLY” worldwide trending in minutes have i truly perused, to borrow a line from joseph burrow, social media kicking my feet and giggling. i may be one of god’s strongest soldiers but i could never survive that type of WORLDWIDE humiliation of everyone just calling you straight up ugly. the randomness of the selection just made it even funnier. and it could not have happened to a less receptive audience. and john has to pretend like getting dog walked by strangers online was only the second worst thing to happen to him in november 2024. glen powell fans demanding a recount was an even funnier twist of the knife, as it was revealed by the ever present Insider Source that glen had turned down people. it just kept getting funnier but unlike his tether ryan reynolds, at least john has martha stewart in his corner

9. gypsy rose was freed…and briefly my neighbour. she has since moved on to greener pastures and even more fire D. god speed and mazel tov on her birth last month. seeing gypsy rose at sur was nothing short of a Moment i believe kelly clarkson sang of waiting her whole life for

   

10. there were several highlights of my cinema experience with babygirl but hearing two besties in their 60s/70s in the bathroom laughing about how they would have to show their husbands the film to “give them some ideas” was a life changing experience despite not being at an amc. still feel like not enough applause has been given to nicole kidman for being THAT beyond snatched at 57 and after having two kids?? like yeah yeah i get it she is super rich and has access to all sorts of remedies and surgeons but i could go under the knife for the next ten years straight and will never achieve the same amount of true breathtaking beauty. i would even consider drinking a glass of cow milk for HER

    

11. jonathan bailey saying prince fiyero would love the song bongos. well, yes!

12. the glennaissance is here get in losers. glen powell saw nicole kidman’s amc ad and he took that personally. ironically, though, his best film of the year was on netflix. but twisters in 4dx changed lives! i knew since scream queens that he was a star (and my man) but 2024 was his year. he and my favourite mechanic started it by BEATING the cheater allegations and having those allegations rake in over 200 million. twisters was THE summer blockbuster and hit man was one of the best movies of the year. he was filming in london while his look-a-like contest was taking place in his stomping grounds of austin, texas but he made sure to send in a video message…and his mother to judge! he has been listening to my group texts bemoaning the loss of real Movie Stars and he is more than rising to the challenge. catch me on his ceiling, as i will continue to light a prayer candle every day that he does not ever find himself in the scientology centers.

13. sometimes typing silly little words on al gore’s internet can get you into some serious trouble so i cannot say too much about how some people wish that luigi had perhaps picked a different target. again i myself would never say that nor condone that type of behaviour or thinking and as we have all seen our government in its current state is perfectly well oiled and protects the people it supposedly represents 🩷

    

valleys

1. the safdie brothers broke up and i have to continue living my life like everything is fine

2. fiona apple loves crocs.

   

3. katy perry. how far we have fallen from harleys in hawaii. the funny thing is that i do not have to elaborate and a series of flops from pokemon going to the polls for rick caruso to working with doctor luke to Any of the new music she has released, to name a few! i know the old katy is in there somewhere! lighting a prayer candle that woman’s world is her folie à deux and soon her abracadabra is coming…

4. mark zuckerberg recuited t-pain to make an acoustic cover of lil jon’s get low². the story behind it is deeply sweet, especially for the robotic evil ghoul whose previously sole joy was dismantling america’s democracy for billions and sweet ray’s bbq sauce. this song is not good but it is perfect to me. i forced several friends to listen to it and now, they too, suffer from my affliction. a strain similar to bieber fever but far more shameful…

5. i love when a new fear is unlocked for me (which happens a little too frequently these days). i have never been someone who really had flight anxiety because always assumed you just die if the plane crashes. while i enjoy grey’s anatomy a little more than the average person, i never wish to be a plane crash survivor let alone have my plane simply fall apart while i am still actively in it and live to tell the tale. much like the deep sea, i thought i could simply avoid spirit airlines and this experience but alaska airlines and boeing had other plans this year

6. clinton kane is WEIRD. he posted a 29 part (not exaggerating. was genuinely 29 separate tiktoks) series responding to his ex-girlfriend³’s claims that he was a lying and manipulative narcissist…by honing in on extremely specific non-sequitur details she mentioned. she said they spent four hours in a diner? wrong. they actually were there maximum two hours, with “proof” in his texts, uber receipts, and camera roll. it was truly one of the most insane and bizarre things i have ever watched and i have seen A LOT. if anything, he proved her point by being a true sociopathic weirdo. especially once he whipped out the handcrafted google calendar of the timeline of their relationship he hand crafted YEARS later. he also never really addressed her claims where he killed off half his family to her. totally normal behaviour!

7. reviewbrah remains my favourite person on planet earth. there is no one doing it better than him. unfortunately, the current state of the world has trickled down to fast food quality and left him forced make to videos titled “am i missing something” and my personal favourite “i can’t do this to myself”

8. personally, this year was B R U T A L. many such personal tragedies, perhaps none more so than being able to relate a little too much to the movies past lives and 500 days of summer this year. my wounds are thoroughly licked and i have rejoined the ranks of corporate america⁴ so regularly scheduled programming will resume

   

9. sometimes bad projects happen to good people. the curse and we live in time were two projects i was so looking forward to and i did not really care for either which made me incredibly sad. and bored. and a little mad. c’est la vie…

   

10. much to my chagrin, justin timberlake’s arrest for driving after having said bye bye bye to his sobriety did NOT ruin the world tour. he remains the main entity i think every time i hear “does anybody here do voodoo because i got a bitch i need turned into a possum tonight”

11. my guitar will forever gently weep for all the tweets hulk hogan deleted after he was hacked

12. jeremy renner app was SILENCED

    

13. so. something happened on november 5th that was pretty unchill. yeah…

favourites

album: older (and wiser) - lizzy mcalpine.

article. the surreal similations of a reality-tv restaurant empire. consistent breathtaking journalism like this is why my girl naomi gets incredible media shouts out from the likes of hbo’s hacks and tall men on how long gone. i also loved how does my divorce make you feel and

book: martyr! - kaveh akbar.

buff correll cover: another incredible year for the multitalented legend. and while bbl drizzy, every single chappell roan cover, freak on a leash, and take on me changed lives, by far my favourite was this truly stunning cover of torn by natalie imbruglia

cover: owl city covering augustana’s boston in the year of our lord 2024 did rewire/melt my brain a bit but jinx monsoon performing little shop’s somewhere that’s green is the cover that i revisit most. i do not think i will ever truly recover from this cover, actually

movie: CHALLENGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have the same feelings for the academy as i do for people who do not know josh groban!!! this was the first movie in years that truly felt like capital F fun. trap, nosferatu, and longlegs also sparked similar joy for me and i will always hold space for them but this was a MOVIE! and please do not ask me how many times i saw wicked in theatres or how many challengers edits i have forced my friends to watch. there were so many good, even great, movies that came out this year but only one has a perfect soundtrack and camera work on the back of tennis balls!!!!

podcast: the telepathy tapes

podcast episode: 2020 took many things from me, including my ability to bask in silence. having three different apps give me three different podcast wraps is humbling, to say the very least. in 2024, my ears were even more active than my eye kept out for selener. but this particular episode made me laugh so hard, i was listening thinking that i need to tell people about this and so here we are! las culturistas had an incredible year of iconic moments and guests but this is the reason (a long international nightmare) was a perfect episode of podcasting. this year will be nine years of listening to matt and bowen and somehow this is a long term relationship i am only more amorous with each passing year. this episode truly has it ALL and is required listening!

song: hiss by megan thee stallion. as a pathological people pleaser deathly allergic to confrontation, this is an anthem for the ages i will spend my life living vicariously through. i know not like us is the doll of the ball but megan kicked off 2024 with THE diss track. megan has been through so much during her very short time in the limelight and for once my texas sister did NOT hold back. where kendrick was just playing with his food by the end of his and the guy with two songs on camila cabello’s album’s beef, every single bar of this song is another bullet. not a single wasted breath. i know nicki minaj crashed out for days over this but it felt like megan had way more smoke for bbl drizzy himself and his bald loser friends like lebron james who acted like toy story lanez being convicted of a crime HE COMMITTED was some deep tragedy they took personally. i still put this song on constantly; it is the ultimate hype song with a perfect beat. these were all 43 of my favourite songs from last year

tiktok: and you did it at my birthday dinner. i am the tiktok historian at this point, especially if they take her away from us. i am months if not years behind on offloading my camera roll but eventually they will all be here

tv show: it took six seasons but love island usa finally had the girls up in arms enough for me to finally be seated for the worst instalment of a perfect franchise. season six of love island usa hit like animal crossing during covid. it is truly a masterpiece. perfect casting. people were so fomo’d off the hype that i had friends watch it months later just to see and end up binging the entire series in days. watching it live as it aired, i was FIENDING for every new episode. one day, i got off of work early and my genuine first thought as i got into my car was disappointment because i now had more time to wait until the new episode aired. serena and kordell’s love story is so stunning; i truly have no words! kordell spent the summer hosting a damn masterclass on how to stand on business behind the girl you love. serena and leah and jana mean more to me than most members of my family. however, rob trying to drown himself after picking the girl he would call insane on a podcast IMMEDIATELY⁵ after he left the villa was truly the creme de la creme for me. it has been nearly a year since it aired but i am still on my knees begging for the uncut footage of serena roasting kordell after he brought a girl back to the villa from casa amor. being able to see her say “you’re a bitch. my ex a bitch. y’all twin sisters” would actually do more for me than therapy ever could.

youtube video: not since bye sister have i watched a video like a sporting event! they laughed at me when i said jake paul was actually right because cody ko was Weird… i could say so much on this topic but all i will say is that the duke university frat allegations are never getting beat

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that’s all for now. tonight is the championship game for the nhl’s four nations competition. if canada beats the united states, i will never celebrate the fourth of july again. it is bad enough they have already kidnapped quinn hughes and do not even get me started on the bags of milk…

xx

1. SOMEONE SAYING THE LAPD WISHLIST WAS ONSTAGE WITH KENDRICK IS SOOOOOO !?!?!?!!! the scream i just scrum

2. months later, no further light has been shed on why t-pain’s line was hit when lil jon is very much still actively seeking paychecks but who am i to question the mona lisa of cover songs

3. also very funny that a month later she would have her old galaxy brain racist tweets and posts exposed and people tried to say this proved he was right?? despite him clearly faking his “australian” accent and his mother being very much alive? yeah she sucks but so does he! birds of a feather, babe! birds. of. a. feather.

4. currently blasting secret lives of mormon wives on the giant tv in my office to keep me company until i get my first assignment of the day at 3pm. i got here at 8am…..

5. he actually hopped on a plane and went to film the podcast episode before his fellow booted islanders had even left fiji