peaks and valleys february 2025: was it haram for the mavs to trade luka
click the top to read on the website because this email will surely cut off as i have included over 100 ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY links... god forbid a woman dare to break through the gates previously kept
peaks
the american woman in pakistan. every once in a while, something so beautifully insane occurs that not necessarily restores your faith in humanity. but Something of the sort… after traveling to pakistan to marry a teenager, 32 year old onijah andrew robinson spent five months holding press conferences demanding larger and larger sums of cash1 to “rebuild” pakistan. there are so many layers to this story that it is truly the gift that keeps giving. the 19 year old would be husband’s mother swiftly removed him from the narrative…and their apartment complex, but that did not stop robinson from camping out in its parking lot FOR MONTHS. the community rallied behind her, both due to cultural desire to be a good host and just pure amusement. my personal favourite aspect of this whole debacle is ramzan chhipa (the humanitarian assigned to *assist* her) eventually falling in love with her but robinson saying she was not interested because he is broke and wears the same outfit every day, something he does as an act of humility and living modestly per his occupation. words could never truly capture the pure bliss of every aspect of this story and i highly suggest clicking any or all the links that i provided, as well as simply typing “american woman in pakistan” into the social media of your choice and basically, just enjoy! even emily had to leave paris eventually and pakistan’s princess has found her way back stateside this month after leaving in october of 2024.
drunkdrawn is my picasso. he is the only person i open the instagram app for after making an appearance on snl in december, the trisha paytas renaissance is officially upon us. i have seen trisha go through and do A LOT over the past two decades, but the most rewarding is seeing her truly thrive and hit her stride once she became a mother. her podcast, just trish, is eons away from the trisha i grew up with, but there is no denying her true star power. i love telling people how much she loves andy kaufman or how many reality shows she has been on. this month, she made her broadway debut…with joy woods, sutton foster, rachel zegler, and the producer of wicked’s son2. the plot, naturally, begins with her going back in time and accidentally giving john wilkes boothe the idea to assassinate abraham lincoln. her broadway debut was so perfect. i was just grinning and laughing the whole time. trisha paytas, thank you for everything!!! i also still want to see the arrival remake starring trisha, obviously after she films all three high school musicals nutty professor style
BEYONCE WON ALBUM OF THE YEAR AND COUNTRY ALBUM OF THE YEAR AT THE MOTHERFUCKING GRAMMYS! that has to be said in all caps because my heart still soars every time i remember this happened. billie eilish stans are still seething and i get it. hit me hard and soft is easily her best work to date and it is hard to imagine her ever topping it but cowboy carter, despite featuring post malone, IS perfect art. if you disagree, die mad! because she IS the shit per the academy
if you thought kendrick v drake was rough, you could not walk half a mile in bhad bhabie’s gucci flip flops3. to say “the girls are fighting” does not even begin to cover the amount of vitriol being slung between these two. alabama barker (daughter of blink-182 drummer travis barker and (the inventor of bedrotting) shanna moakler, stepdaughter of kourtney kardashian) and bhad bhabie aka danielle bregoli4 (my j. cole) began a private beef over the father of bregoli’s daughter but bregoli brought a j woww energy to alabama’s angelina. so, things escalated quite quickly. much like drake last year, alabama thought she could be slick and throw some heat toward bregoli in a diss track but they both failed to realise that when you are arguing with an insane person, you can never win. you can even bring a gun to a knife fight; they will show up with an atomic bomb. bhad bhabie began teasing a diss track of her own that made not like us look like a sweet lullabye. kourtney even got a stray5 with the line “your stepmom burned out why she get her sister’s secondhand”. all of that was overshadowed by the allegation that tyga got alabama pregnant and she had an abortion. and it would have been quite the bombshell in and of itself but bregoli revealed it by saying she saw the sonogram and then added “your stinky pussy is what got you kicked out of the kardashian house”. she also featured a lookalike of alabama’s dad in the music video. and the SECOND that track became available, i fear i was bumping it like my life depended on it because did i mention that she made it over a CLEARED kanye west beat6? nature is healing but in that way where you know you merely fractured a bone not broke it so you just shake it off and it does heal but it grows back weird.
GO BIRDS!!!!!! the beautiful philly eagles have won the superbowl. this is something i did not realise i would care about until i opened the espn app and saw the score at halftime and realised just how sunny it always has been in philadelphia. honestly, i do not really have much of an opinion on tayla swiff’s boyfriend but i am obsessed with his post-game outfit looking like he was about to hop onstage with cher. football is not something i can even pretend to care about. because even when i do, it is football. despite That, tiktok did awake the sleeper cell in me that iasip and abbott elementary have been training for years. i was lured in by the truly breathtaking beauty of the eagles and i even found myself shaking my shoulders a little bit to cooper dejean’s song but then here come people peddling shirts for the “exciting whites”. and i know it’s not racist (some of the tiktok edits definitely are) but it does not feel great, either. i respect that people worship at this temple on sundays but my loyalties and cte fears will always have me seeking solace elsewhere. i did not tune into any part of the game but afterwards i saw kendrick’s performance and the highlights from the commercial slop. obviously, jeremy strong was the belle of the ball to me but i see you, coffee mate. i also loved seeing rob mcelhenney drop into jazz sets in nola and every person who has ever had even 15 seconds of fame popping up on bourbon street. laissez les bon temps rouler, birds!!!!! and biggest congratulations of all to bradley charles cooper
this queen made a tiktok saying “if i have to go on one more date with a man whose hinge says that he is 5’10”, 5’11”, 6’ and then i show up in kitten heels for our date and i am TOWERING over him, i am going to crash out!” now this is a topic i am very passionate about!!!! short kings are a very important part of our economy but i hate liars!!! the tiktok lumberjack has been real quiet since i repeatedly exposed him publicly for being 5’7” despite his dedication to the art of Angles to posture himself as much larger. jack hughes is the only man i mostly trust to be 5’11” and i think he could possibly be the only of his kind. the funniest part about men lying about their height is like?? i have eyes… and a grotesque amount of heels i would like to wear. this is not an attack on the vertically ungifted males of the world. the love of my life is 5’10” like i know so many short kings. some of my closest friends are short!!! just stop LYING
i love amelia dimoldenberg and i will fight andrew garfield7 for her. i love amelia so much and i hate that people still compare her to that washed out cardboard cutout of a personality flop who is not even worth mentioning. there could only be one amelia and she is our modern day oprah winfrey. she is soooo british and yet never in the years of watching her has she done so in a way that reminds me about beans and toast. do you understand her power? she is everything.
valleys
valentines day is for suckers but that did not stop role model and sabrina carpenter dropping deluxe versions of their albums that were earth shattering for me, a pisces. both of these albums were some of my favourites of last year, but they had no right to do all of This. hopelessly devoted to you8’s baby sister couldn’t make it any harder will probably get the most airtime for me from both projects but only because the longest goodbye, bad reviews, and some protector make me wish i was dead! yearning has been brought back; it is time to re-up the draft for the idgaf war!!!!!! most people have been sipping on sabrina’s dunkin donuts coffee and her me espresso but if you are not already on the role model / tucker pillsbury / saintlaurentcowboy train, now is the time!!! tucker is out on tour, shaking his little gamestop
people’s sexiest musician runner-upbooty every night and has the kind of natural charisma a lot of publicists dream of. after sally, when the wine runs out (a song from the deluxe) went viral on tiktok, his equally insane fans started a rumour that it was written about jake shane9. so, naturally, jake was brought out on stage in dallas, texas. “WHERE’S MY DIVA” is as important to me as being selected as the one less lonely girl.as if things were not bad enough in texas already…women somehow managed to earn the reputation of being dramatic yet there is no group of people more prone to theatrics than male sports fans. last year on feb 1, travis kelce was asked about inventing the fade. something even more sinister transpired as luka dončić was traded from the dallas mavericks to the los angeles lakers. in return, the mavs got anthony davis and three pieces of candy from the bottom of someone’s purse. grains of sand would be easier to count than the amount of crashouts10, peaceful protests in the streets, and men of all ages bawling and/or staring into the abyss silently. even mark cuban paid several people to fall to their knees on his behalf. men and women alike were trying to break this down for girly pop nation in the most truly perfect and hysterical ways. my favourite was saying that it would be like one direction, at their peak, trading harry styles for kevin jonas. it is exactly like that, though!!! the only thing worse than losing luka is losing him to that bald rat11. more than ever, i hope nba fans will finally unionise with nhl fans in our goal to be able to phone/write your gm the same way you can contact your elected officials because there are THINGS i need to say…trump made the usa all-star hockey team lose to the canada all-star team in the four nations championship game. while three fights in the first nine seconds12 coordinated via the group text is very funny to me, ukko-pekka luukkonen simply saying his name and this queen (who i wish would replace every man13 i have to listen to speak about hockey14) making another fall statistic breakdown were my personal highlights from a very excellent tournament. the only thing worse than the americans losing to the canadians is that freebird has been stuck in my head for weeks after hearing it every time team usa scored a goal
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speaking of trump. the new yorker ran a piece called the new trump family megaphone. fox news is only ever really a forethought when i visit my grandparents so it is horrifying to know how bad it has gotten over there. true crime podcasts cutting to hello fresh ads in the middle of gruesome details was the funniest thing i had heard until lara trump cutting to mike lindell jewelry ads. this season of america would be an incredible addition to veep and/or arrested development if only we were so lucky
“try explaining that to a victorian child” usually refers to some hodgepodge of celebrity nonsense but i feel as though explaining tiktok darlings hamzah and martin to a victorian child would be easier than to someone non-chronically online living in our modern age. in the sense that. they are two besties and because they are both male, they were legally required to start a podcast. martin is truly indescribable; words fail and videos of him only cause more confusion. hamzah is a heartthrob, simply born with that je ne sais quoi. hamzah caught the attention of quenlin blackwell, which led to him and martin appearing on her youtube cooking show. there were so many Moments during those 80 minutes, especially between quen and martin, but at one point hamzah (22) jokingly called another twitch streamer/youtuber known primarily for his good looks “30” which led to duke dennis (31) having a mini crashout. he even reposted hamzah’s best friend’s tiktok where she jokingly shot her shot using the glorilla sound. she did not tag duke in it. that was just very funny to me as a clinically petty person, but the reason i included them in this month’s valleys was because of their streamed boxing match. i hate to see two queens pitted against each other, even when it is their own doing for entertainment/monetary purposes. i do not know if i could recommend their content for anyone not on ssris but i always adore seeing these two clowns on my fyp
for 12 years now, i have been in the most toxic situationship. there has been lovebombing, emotional manipulation, threats of self-harm if i did not comply to their needs and wants, and constant pan handling for more money from me. we have taken brief periods apart and seen other people but i always find myself crawling back to du…olingo. they tried to kill my favourite bitch. they being the social media managers of duolingo on tiktok and twitter. the duolingo owl was pronounced dead in an official statement but like lazarus, duo and his squad of minions rose from the grave. who else would threaten me within an inch of my life if i did not do my daily swedish lessons.
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favourites
album: trisha paytas - postpartum popstar / banks - off with her head / tate mcrae - so close to what / shygirl - club shy room 2 / tyler the creator’s chromakopia was back on heavy rotation this month. honestly not since high school can i say that i have been this fond of one of his albums. like him definitely would be in my spotify wrapped this year if i had not become a youtube music user
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book: great big beautiful life by emily henry. this book comes out on april 25th and i cannot wait to finally be able to talk about it with other people. i do not know how but she somehow managed to outdo herself. in this book, emily henry hits upon every single Great Love a girl can experience in their life: best friend, SISTER, mother/daughter, soulmate, and even non-comittal situationship. if emily henry has zero fans, i am dead
cover: chasing pavements
movie: black ice: the unseen history of hockey. unfortunately, i have to say one postitive thing15 about drake and lebron james because they (and my toxic king, future) produced this 2022 film based on the 2004 book of the same name. with more eyes on hockey than ever, it has been fun to see new fans flock to my favourite sport. but hockey has always had a racism problem and seeing a sea of maga hats and trump praise during the recent four nations all-star tournament would seem to show how far the sport STILL has to go, especially with this administration’s call for dei rollback. while the nhl has made great strides during black history month to celebrate and elevate both young and old black hockey players, these efforts cannot be understated but they also do not overshadow the decades of hate and othering and exclusion. when the nhl did a diversity and inclusion report in 2022, there were only 34 black players included in the 1123 active players. there is nothing cuter than kids on their tiny skates with their mini sticks and i hope that ten years from now that those statistics will showcase much more digestible numbers. in his inauguration, trump said “we will forge a society that is colourblind and merit based” which would be incredible if this entire continent was not built on the back of unlevelling the playing fields. i do not understand this notion that extending inclusion is somehow a threat to those that have always been included. that type of mindset is that of a true Loser and there is no room for any of those on the ice
song: other than this masterpiece, sports car - tate mcrae. praying on my hands and knees that this is more of a wap brain worm and less of a rfk jr variety because it has been weeks and i cannot get it out of my head. i am constantly whispering “i think you know what this is” to my cats, my friends, my siblings, in my head to strangers in public, etc.
jordscenter highlight of the month: i love cole caufield the same way i love every baby that smiles at and reaches for me in the grocery store. he is shorter than me (by only an inch) but i just want to put him in my pocket. i thought that him being forced to pick his favourite taylor swift16 songs would be my favourite thing he did this month until he snuck the puck between his own legs to score and secure the OT win
thing jeremy strong did this month: i actually got an iced green tea matcha latte with oatmilk at dunkin to thank them for this
tiktok: “i thought you were upside down”
tv show: PARADISE. sterling k. brown is a generational talent and i already knew that i would enjoy seeing him back on my screen regularly but i was not prepared for how much i would love this show. james “jamal” marsden17 gives an incredible performance and this show is stacked in terms of casting. set in a future where the world has ended (?or has it?), twenty thousand people were chosen to live in a man-made town underneath a mountain to restart civilisation. this is truly appointment television and i resent having to wait another week every time the episode ends. i will be crashing out when i finish the season finale because what kind of sick world do we live in where only eight episodes a season is excusable. some world we live in…
white boy of the month: all the luka dončić crashouts/headlines only made my heart yearn for my serbian king, nicola jokić. i did not even write about his appearance as gru in that despicable me 4 commercial last year because it meant too much to me. he is the toni collette of the nba and i will die with more love in my heart for the 6’11” pisces man than i will ever know what to do with
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youtube video: LEON THEE THOMAS. i feel there is not nearly enough love for the best part of victorious.18 he is an incredible producer19, the man behind nasty by ariana grande and snooze by sza. incredible musical talent. even when they can sAng, men are so rarely vocally interesting but i have always adored the tone of his voice
that’s all for now. if anyone at bravo is reading this, do not put that one woman in the share house this summer. the world is already full of enough unspeakable tragedies and unthinkable cruelties so please. please please please, even. ANYWAY. emergency intercom is on indefinite hiatus but we are days away from new gaga. laissez les bon temps rouler. happy mardi gras. if only the streets of nola still smelled the way they did a few weeks ago during the superbowl…
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xx
trisha’s broadway debut was many things but one thing not on my bingo card was getting ben to talk about theatre camp. i was holding my breath but he stayed mum on molly (and nick lieberman) but i would still spill erika jayne style if i were able to uncover What Really Happened
still waiting for anyone to make a better song than this
mind you, bregoli revealed a blood cancer diagnosis in november, less than a year after giving birth. she also just popped up with a brand new nose. it seems she currently has nothing but time and i fear alabama could not have picked a worse time to poke the bhad bear
it truly is a stray because she did a promo with alabama that seemed like it would be another diss track to casual viewers looking for more tea but was actually just for an unrelated 24 hour twitch livestream alabama was about to do
carnival is not a song i will be listening to ever as it falls in the post-tmz field trip kanye era but damn does it make me yearn for the old kanye, the chop up the beat kanye who is definitely still under there. just buried deep deep DEEP beneath racism, antisemitism, misogyny, and just a bevvy of phobias and isms that make it impossible to enjoy old kanye bangers like bittersweet the way i once did… kanye also posted a hostage video asking to be removed from the narrative which makes all of it somehow funnier
honestly, just looking for a reason to square up with him because i am still mad about we live in time
never not thinking about this collab. it is the elevator music of my beautiful mind
“if you think that you’re going to walk around dallas after what you just did…buddy, there’s another going to be another luigi” is fryyyyyying me every time. it never stops being funny. the immediate retraction. not since jake shane and ed sheeran has a clip made me laugh so hard
when lebron said free toy story lanez, i took that personally. it makes me laugh so much because it finally made me understand why he gets so cooked in the replies every time he tweets regardless of what he says. i used to just laugh at their dedication to hating but now i get it!!!! whack him again!
shoresy season 2 episode 3 did it better
this does not apply to you, paul bissonnette. i love you forever biz nasty
there is a particular strain of brainworm that comes from living in the south and loving hockey. my darling stars are over five hours away so i either have to road trip to get my fix in person or find myself watching eight minutes about stick flex ratings to curb the cravings
and of course they got sued for 10 million dollars for making this documentary behind the person who had paid hundreds of thousands for the rights to the story’s back
he is so funny to me. like he was #22 for the longest time and i know it was very sweet to honour the late johnny gaudreau when he switched to #13 permanently but he is NEVER beating the swiftie allegations
i do still have bombastic side eye for james because of the letter he wrote to brian peck’s judge
i will never be over it being 2025 and we still do not have a brandy cinderella proper soundtrack or 365 days from victorious
where were you when you first heard geek’d by bhad bhabie
1) the bhad babie rhinoplasty/pregnancy/cancer timeline makes noo sense to me but maybe it's not for me to make sense of...
2) i agree that trisha's away debut was 2 DIE!!!! she seemed so nervy in the beginning but really found her groove <33