peaks and valleys: february 2022
love was NOT in the air but the omnicroft variant certainly was
another month has come and gone. to be honest, it was a weird one for me! it started off the month with pretty much everyone i know getting covid and ended with the cdc saying actually mostly nobody has covid! i know 90% is high but would you want to eat food that was 90% not poisoned?? the cdc has stayed playing games but one of my new year’s resolutions is to be less realistic/pessimistic so despite having seen this film before and NOT liking the ending…maybe this time, it is real and the lifted restrictions will signify The End of covid and not just the gold rush of the next variant! the transition of aquarius season to pisces demon time always brings a sense of deep melancholy for me and none more so than today, the day before my birthday. it feels like i have been existing in a permastate of today for two years now! knowing tomorrow will get here and it will be good but also knowing it can never truly live up to the built up expectations! i am a fun person, i swear!!! but this was a dud of a month for me i think so i hope it was better for you!
peaks
chicken shop date is a long time favourite of mine but louis theroux?!?! i was laying in bed kicking my feet and grinning so much watching it!!! incredible!!! louis “rapping”! “i would like to see what ed sheeran sounds like if he put out less music.” “i like my sauces like i like my women. spicy. and big.” amelia has done it again. incredible!!!! show stopping, even!!!
have you ever imagined something so powerful and wonderful that you fall to your knees knowing it does not exist???
there is a difference between nicole kidman telling you to take your ass to amc and paris hilton telling you to dump your money into something she got for free. this is not even a comment on the validity of cryptocurrencies or nfts, rather a 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩when celebrities start entering the arena. you were peddling diarrhoea tea a month ago but now i am supposed to take financial advice from you???? anytime a celebrity is promoting anything i usually make note to never engage with that product whether it be aveeno or proactiv or hillsong church. even nicole wants to take away our ability to watch new releases from the comfort of our couch and respective charcuterie boards!!!! but one man is daring to go against the cursed glittery grain and say now wait a damn minute!!! of course ryan atwood from the oc has a proper take on nfts and the celebrities who will not shut up about them. he wrote an article for the washington post and points were certainly made! seth cohen could not be reached for comment on the issue but as adam brody lives his life offline, i will assume he does not find merit in booting up his computer to buy an ape that partially looks like him………
gawker is back, baby! and i always look forward to her emails! i love all the gawker girls but kelly conaboy has a way with words that truly make me SCREAM! i recommend all of her articles (and book) but her this is us recaps are pure bliss! even if you do not watch the show (i pray you are not privvy to the psychological warfare fogelman conjures weekly), her recaps are still worth engaging with. written in bizarro first person as someone in the show rather than someone watching it is funnier than i could ever truly describe to you. i am far more hurt by her recaps coming to an end than the show closing its doors!
tv & film. despite being a scream queen, i did not even watch 5cream. i actually did not watch anything, really! not a single movie! because The Brooke Ashley watches everything so much better than i ever could, i often look to her recaps as my original source! in a very sick twist, the only new media i actually watched was peacemaker, a show twitter tricked me into thinking was solely about freddie stroma! i did not hate it but….had it not been for my unreal king and danielle brooks, i would have never tuned in. i mostly just watched the same shows i have been tuning into (this is us finally ending so i will finally be Free from dan fogelman soon enough) and maybe my brain has fully smoothed itself out fully but sitcoms are having a Moment for me! i am but a girl standing in front of you asking you to set your dvrs to abbott elementary, home economics, how i met your father, and queens to explore The Vision of corny sitcoms because i need them all to live on into syndication.
i saved up righteous gemstones so i could watch it all at once because i do not know a better show and i hate the waiting of week-to-week. people that advocate for this ancient relic of a way to consume television are actually cia that enjoy the weekly “discourse” online. that being said, RG is top of a very stacked queue and so next month, i will have more insight into what is streaming at home and in theatre than the programming of the man who previously could not be seen on television.
it still is VERY funny to me (in the hahaha let me laugh so i do not cry way) that on the internet, saying The C Word is not a reference to the white kanye’s tuesday night residency at SUR but rather CRACKER… like fully grown men are out here censoring themselves unironically to refer to use of the word CRACKER!?!?! in 2022… hasan piker got banned on twitch for a week late last year for using it which we had talked about briefly but at the time, i was unhearsed in twitch lore and it was more just a funny anecdote than anything else. but the ¿legacy? of that ban continues on and people actually are slightly scared to use for fear of similar retribution. one queen accidentally went live on twitch instead of onlyfans and spread her butt for the camera. another queen showed off a special talent into the mic off camera. both were suspended for three days. neither terms of service offence was considered more heinous than a white man calling other white people cracker. CRACKER?? CRACKER!!! cracker is now a hate speech so i encourage you all to say it out loud right now as angrily as you can because i have not laughed harder. OKAY, CRACKER!! it must be worms in the brain because there is no world where someone calls me cracker and i crumble from the weight of their despicable hatred! bleach bandits or member of the no purpose flour community? ok…maybe that stings…i am obviously kidding and i get that being hateful to anyone is not kosher but also if you are offended/oppressed by cracker, no you are not!!! being a member of the saltinex race is not even a real thing!!! GROW UP!!! TOUCH GRASS!!!! and most importantly FUCK OFF <3
valleys
rihanna revealed that it was not just a phootshot nor was it the second documented virgin birth :-( this hurt worse than finding out jeremy strong was NOT cast in the live action version of stuart little. still not as bad as the putin slam poetry but not great
britney spears once said “there is only two types of people in this world; ones that entertain and the ones that observe.” for two decades, joseph james rogan has entertained but now it is his turn to observe as every misdeed and “slip of the tongue” he has made is re-aired publicly! he has always been a bald racist loser but he had “Charisma” and asked questions and did a bunch a weed long before che diaz came onto the weed leaf sock scene so he was praised for his podcast and given millions. giving a man money to speak in public should be illegal especially when that man is daily ingesting “alpha brain”. but what can be said about the 52 year old who not only actively spread vaccine misinformation but encouraged “young and healthy” people to NOT get the vaccine? he will be fine because white men always are. especially when they are straight and rich…AND loved by other straight white men. but i think spotify has long had sketchy (at best) practices and i look forward to apple using this to drive the price down and absorb the company so the engineers will make apple music wrapped and we will know peace. how many more years do we have left before disney and apple own everything anyway??? i wrote about the celebrities who could not resist publicly endorsing joe rogan after he got called out by neil young and joni mitchell leaving spotify because of them platforming his covid misinformation but most of them did not quite keep the same energy once his audition reel for a tarentino film dropped. except after i hit publish, naturally the heir to a kkk empire/former president of the united states donald trump could not resist writing joe an open letter offering his support! do they even make maga hats that will fit rogan’s colossal head? guess we will find out in 2024 🤢🤮🤢🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅
the queen has covid? yeah, she is dead. rip i guess? i would also slow rollout the announcement of my death if my non ugly son turned out to be someone who pays 12 million dollars to someone he claims he never abused. because that is how that works! honestly, i think it is time to take the guillotines out of storage because england has done everything it does and we still let people whose dna is more akin to rats than humans wear crowns? but america has enough problems of our own so let me mind my yee yee business………[editor’s note: i wrote this before hollywood unlocked broke The News then refused to retract it, got suspended on twitter and then retracted it, kinda. anyway, i stand with the hollywood unlocked initial press release because i think lizzie playing way too much to still be with us! and they (like me) just do not want camilla to be queen which i am more than fine with!!!!!]
if a someone is 6’4” and thinks they are good at impressions, i will have no choice but to have at least one Feeling for them. when that person is a himbo that dresses like steven segal and streams 8 hours a day AND a leo, i will become joaquin phoenix; he my Her. i actually never saw that movie but i have spent a truly ungodly amount of time listening to hasan piker’s twitch streams and (multiple) podcasts this month. my friend is a longtime hasanabi head and i have had a frenemies sized hole in my heart/regularly scheduled content (despite off the rails being basically everything to me) so leftovers was the gateway drug for me to someone i formerly knew as The young turk. i remember that one really handsome photogenic guy running a marathon going viral and hasan being crowned woke bae by buzzfeed; a simpler time. i think hasan is truly unhinged for streaming so many hours in the day but so am i for tuning in!!! mostly the talks about political and news goings on, but he also reacts to videos and gordon ramsay television programming! (the Entertainer known by alex jones as hasan pecker trying to wrap his head around god warrior1 and the “science” of astrology are my personal favourites!) after watching deep dive’s britney series (he’s just like me!) my man also had the best britney spears take of the entire entertainment industry!!! calling out lou taylor AND larry rudolph on fear and malding (the podcast he hosts with his bestie will neff)?!?! nipples on concrete!!!!! larry rudolph still has not gotten the mainstream media smoke despite “free kesha” being a trending topic for YEARS now….my love for this fridge-like man is solely falling on the valley side of the month because i have never been able to enjoy anything in moderation! everything i knew prior about twitch was against my will but now here we are!!! i mostly interact with twitch as a podcast which i think may be worse??? not sure if the teens are alright after all but it is definitely interesting to see an entire ecosystem of creators and tens of thousands of loyal voyeurs!!! (i also wrote the majority of this before russia invaded ukraine so the man i went to for cussy memes and gordon ramsay content turned out to be invaluable for sifting through all the news outlets’ coverages.)
i am seated for hasanbi streams and leftovers episodes out of habit at this point BUT fear and malding is yet another male podcast i am schilling for! i cannot get enough of those two himbos talking about cuomosexuals, free britney, afghanistan, heterosexual gay marriage and so much more! will neff is truly so funny and charming and charismatic in a way that reminds me of chris farley, heath ledger, or jack harlow’s instagram stories! i am even engaging with g4 content just so i can teehee at what this man has to say!!! his twitch streams mostly occur way past my grandma bedtime but i am always happy when i am still awake to catch him watching survivor or on wednesday nights when he watches a movie in entirety then has a lovely discussion about it. so i was super disappointed to hear that kast media has not only not paid my comfort himbos but fails to see The Vision of what their podcast can be! they come back ¿this week? on their new youtube channel so all is not lost but now i cannot unknow that my favourite podcast (the frequently aforementioned opportunist) is on the same network as logan paul’s podcast.
why does it always comes back to the paul brothers for me!!!! because speaking of my ohio brethren, logan paul has announced he will be running for president in 2034? babes, what you need to be doing is running to the nearest rehab facility and then to whatever equivalent of friend rehab is because your squad of goons is not anyone that should even be remotely close to the nuclear codes! i doubt they are even allowed within 200 feet of most schools!!! youtube boxing is not something (inshallah) i will never find myself seated for so the antics of my favourite burning man attendee have mostly been unknown to me. my guy is looking worse for wear with every day that passes so i hope that he and skete davidson truly get help because it seems like they are both circling the drain by katy perry. logan will undoubtedly be a motivational speaker someday (if caitlyn jenner and tai lopez can do it, truly anyone can) and will have a book that he may even actually write a line or two for that will be the circle for gen z but i am not ready to live in a world where greg paul has access to the white house and is an ambassador to a country that could never deserve That! but i very much look forward to senator logan paul’s campaign ads, as someone who may or may not know the words to most of his contributions to the music industry, (i love riverdalé so this should not be shocking to anyone.) the only actual victim of cancel culture is ME because louis ck is still touring but i am no longer able to stream no handlebars2?!?! some world we live in!!!!!
queen of substack hunter harris made a truly immaculate edit for her kramer v kramer a la kanye v kudi post about who gets to keep the willy wonka actor. not enough people are thinking about how timothee is going to be worked into kanye’s instagram feed. i truly do not see how the willy wonka press tour could be anything less than pure chaos! anyway graphic design is my passion and i truly love hunter’s edit so much
but it got me so bummed that this film will never actually be made and we will never get to hear their version of “you shouldn’t be upset that i fucked her, you should be upset that i had a laugh with her!” so here are a few of my submissions:
you shouldn’t be upset that i am friends with skete; you should be upset that i own more skims than yeezys.
you shouldn’t be upset that i took skete and timothee to the mall without you, you should be upset that we all prefer thin crust to deep dish.
you shouldn’t be upset that timothee said that wiz khalifa is an interesting artist, you should be upset that anybody thinks global warming is a good thing.
you shouldn’t be upset that i called you a dinosaur, you should be upset that i showed the group chat i changed your contact name to pegomastax.
you shouldn’t be upset that kids no longer see ghosts, you should be upset that your kids see scott disick more than they see you.
you shouldn’t be upset that i miss the old kanye chop up the beat kanye, you should be upset that i still play words with friends with corey gamble.
you shouldn’t be upset that you had to buy a house across the street from your kids so you could miss out on less milestones with them, you should be upset that marilyn manson is not living inside a prison cell!!!!!!!!!!!
anyway, i hope kanye does less instagramming and more putting bittersweet on streaming platforms! i, for one, will be streaming this month’s playlist, my gospel according to janet, and (of course) laurel hell3.
i am looking forward to awards season not so much for the awards but because i have a few truly *inspired* posts i thought of last year that i have been sitting on for MONTHS regarding the grammys and her sisters! apologies in advance for when those hit your inboxes in the incoming weeks ;-)
xx
there are too many things i can actively engage in conversation knowledgeably about but my big three of things my brain goes feral gerald for is god warrior (that era of reality tv + her as a person + her journey to being a gay ally), robert durst’s crimes in real life and as they were portrayed onscreen (INVESTIGATE ANDREW JARECKI), and the vvitch’s pr campaign/collab with the church of satan!!! obviously i will and have talked people’s heads off online and irl about britney spears, her conservatorships, and how corrupt the bracket of conservatorships are BUT if you accidentally bring up any of my big three, i will see the light drain from your eyes
the fact that the number song remains on streaming platforms but not no handlebars is even more unacceptable than his crypto scams and other various crimes against humanity!!!!!! anyway stream outta my hair
while i do too often indulge the opinions of men, male music critics are where i draw the line. while i do not agree with everything slate’s music expert carl wilson had to say about my queen’s latest musical venture, the line “still, while savoring the rich thoughtfulness of laurel hell’s best moments, fans hoping for more should keep their fingers crossed, if only to prevent them from tweeting” more than earned him a spot on this month’s post! because !!!!!!!!!!!