peaks and valleys april 2024: crazy how the very first sin was a woman who ate
do you ever accidentally let someone so carelessly evil into your life/heart that you start googling real life lacuna incorporated? asking for a friend.
peaks
conan o’brien went on hot ones. i cannot remember a time in my life when i did not love conan o’brien and beyoncé. mrs. carter went solo very early on in my childhood so i always knew she would always be the alien superstar we all know/love/worship today. but crazy stupid love did not come out until i was in high school and it was the first time in my life that i realised besides his wife and i, many other people also were a bit in love with conan. the thought still unsettles me that so many people think they love oomf the way i do1… in college, i had pictures of all my friends and family taped around my mirror. conan o’brien was also there. he just is the best. he is the dumbest smart person to ever do it. he is handsome and tall and kind and an absolute buffoon. for these reasons, the episode catapulted him back to the top of the public consciousness and for days and even weeks after his appearance, people online were sharing their favourite conan stories and clips. i think meeting someone you admire is always risky because they very rarely will live up to the version of them you have treasured and also sometimes people simply have bad days! but conan is someone who i have only heard wonderful things about and so it was nice to have him eulogised online while he is still around to appreciate them. there are so many things to love about conan (and i do) but my personal favourite is something that he said during his Brief Stint as the host of the tonight show. “please do not be cynical. i hate cynicism. for the record, it’s my least favourite quality. it doesn’t lead anywhere. nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. but if you work hard and you are kind, amazing things will happen.” as someone who was cursed by a witch, i have often clung to this sentiment! still waiting for Amazing Things To Happen, but at least i have good tits and a big heart…
i know he could match my freak. joni mitchell is back on spotify. i cannot tell you how badly i needed this. this has actually given me back all the years of my life that were originally scraped off from people (mostly white men) telling me about alpha brain and joe rogan online, especially irl. the world is falling apart and my life is in shambles but siri please play ladies of the canyon on loop until i forget that joni mitchell is currently in a conservatorship or that this month was the first time ever they FINALLY changed/destroyed the album art for don juan’s reckless daughter…
last year, ariana madix called the vanderpump rules production team and filmed less than 24 hours after finding out her partner of a decade had been having a year long affair with her best friend. this year (filming began two months after the affair broke) we are watching production and castmates tell her to Get Over It and be a team player. season 11 is mostly filled with lacklustre redemption tours, devastating situationship from a 40 yeat old peter pan libra, and green eyed negging someone who is traumatised. i don’t know why they insist on maintaining the fourth wall still. it feels like when they used to pretend to still wait tables too many seasons into the massive success of the show. next month, i will be in my bethenny bag and write more about bravo’s Big Problem. but for now, i am just grateful for another
flopseason of my favourite showfifteen years ago, television was actually invented. one tree hill was brave enough to feature a storyline i have never forgotten. this scene and abby lee miller rolling to the police station are two videos i have watched no less than a hundred times and it only gets funnier!! to give context for those who did not rent seasons of oth from the library and binge them, the show’s long time villain needs a heart transplant. a new heart finally arrives but is “lost in a doggish accident” THAT IS WHAT THE ACTUAL EPISODE DESCRIPTION SAYS OH MY GOD THE WRITERS WILL NEVER SEE HEAVEN (they can reunite with the series creator)
the current it girl: club chalamet. to quote ilana glazer: in da clurb, we all fam!!! when i heard the news that kylie might be pregnant, i nearly sprained a finger trying to open twitter. half my timeline was eagerly awaiting the queen’s state of the union and the other half was bemoaning being blocked! to me, cc is the fourth pillar in my mount rushmore2. i think with the influx of ways to consume and produce Content, there is tragically far more quantity than quality. the dissolution of Old Hollywood got rid of (allegedly3) lots of evil practices but it also made celebrities so deeply uninteresting. other than kyle maclachlan or rihanna, rarely has a single celebrity ever said anything online that was more interesting than a stan account4. club chalamet
verboselyshies away from the spotlight but it loves her!!!! if god is real, she will appear on chicken shop date to promote dune 3 or whatever the dirty twink from don’t look up5 is up to! she has also made me realise how to separate the Art from the Artist because her club chalamet commentary truly makes me laugh out loud but her personal twitter is exactly what you think aseemingly extremely conservative50 year old would be posting on twitter dot com. regardless of her insane/unfortunate opinions about israel/scooter braun/jk rowling/the unhoused, club chalamet and the bravolebrities are the only reason i physically will never be able to delete instagram. much to my stalker’s delight…
sometimes, i just need to be reminded of how beautiful life can be. and six months ago, something so personal to me happened. renee rapp and lizzy mcalpine covered for good for the 20th anniversary of wicked. WHO CAN SAY IF I HAVE CHANGED FOR THE BETTER BUT BECAUSE I KNEW YOU I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD!!!!!
valleys
my heart has taken me places i wouldn’t go with a gun including downloading tubi!!! but big mood was three hours of my life i am fine never getting back. i still think whoever created the idea of a miniseries should go to hell because i much prefer a more maxiseries6. i can be unhappy about but can live with 10 episodes. anything less is honestly toxic and i will no longer stand for it. and now i have to be seated for a split season of bridgerton. netflix is so bold for someone who was majorly responsible for the writer’s strike. have we all not suffered by your greedy hand enough, monsieur netflix. anyway. this show was quite excellent. nicola is everything to me and lydia west was so captivating and lovely that i fear i may now have to tune into love again. please tubi can i have some more…
katya zamolodchikova aka brian mccook shared that he was going to enter rehab again. “there’s a saying for the active alcoholic or drug addict that the trajectory of the life course has three possible outcomes: a-jail, b-institutions or c-death. unfortunately, i find myself squarely and firmly and quite uncomfortably in the b camp right now. in an effort to make things good with you in the future, i’ve got to make things good for me right now. rest assured that any rescheduled dates or potential loss of money will be rectified as swiftly and competently as possible. i gotta swiftly and competently rectify my ass right now. thank you so much for your patience and compassion and i hope that you have a wonderful day.” brian said in a now deleted instagram post, apologising for having to postpone the podcast tour he was in the middle of. addiction is a massive part of my life. i have my own struggles but they pale in comparison to the pain i have seen family and friends grapple with, some ultimately losing that battle. so i have always appreciated brian’s frankness both as himself, and as katya. everyone’s sobriety path is unique to them but all are alike in that it is not linear and every day can be a challenge, no matter how deep into your sobriety you are. i have sadly not found great comfort in traditional communal settings but i often find in it my own community, even if in this case the community is just a batshit drag queen i have loved for nearly a decade. addiction can be isolating and the shame of relapsing can be overwhelming. i am glad brian has been able to take those first steps. sending all my love.
oj simpson died of cancer at age 76. oj was truly one of a kind, for better or worse. like, how insane do you have to be to Allegedly murder your ex wife and her boyfriend and make it a meme…that everyone goes along with?? (if i did it available wherever books are sold.) his athletic ability and white bronco solidified his (and the kardashians’) place in pop culture and one of my all time favourite lines in succession/thing to say after tequila shots. i think i do believe in reincarnation so hopefully the juice is maybe a little less loose in the next life… (also his death made me see that people think his son actually did it?? and that’s why the glove was too small. why is THAT not a docuseries instead of the FAKE NEWS that is the jinx7)
passing out at work and almost having to leave in an ambulance. as someone who reflexively apologises for breathing, this was truly my worst nightmare. sadly, i’m totally fine(ish) and was merely caused by anemia/a storyline eerily similar to jamie lee curtis’s in scream queens season 28, something i think about twice a day
this was literally me, if you even care… SYLVANIAN DRAMA BANNED ON TIKTOK9. it should have been the spam email chain style tiktok witches that keep threatening me with exponentially Bad Vibes if i do not “interact” with the damn video/sound a certain number of times. maybe congress was right. just kidding!!!! if they ban tiktok i will ban myself off the face of the earth
drake v everyone beef. long story short, kendrick basically told drake if he has zero haters then kendrick is dead!!!!!!
favourites
album: my spotify dj told me i need a throwback to songs that i was listening to two summers ago and my man was right, as always. thank god i cannot pay him because i would be racking up a phone psychic level bill to seek his wisdom. 0hmyg0d made me revisit i’m in your walls by death insurance. had it on loop in between cowboy carter. started checking her instagram like a toxic ex wishing she would come back but i fear she may be lost to the celebday podcast void… goodbye goodbye goodbye you were bigger than the whole sky…
article: a year ago, oomf’s brother/my favourite nepobaby wrote about his experience filming asteroid city10 with wes anderson but i just got around to watching the film this month. “that’s what friends do — they push each other when they don’t have anywhere else to go. it’s the privilege and responsibility of someone you’ve known a long time: they are able to see you and also see more of you.”
book: the secret society of aunts and uncles by jake gyllenhaal
movie: aftersun. they say hindsight is 20/20 but they never talk about how it feels. great gowns beautiful gowns: cinematography edition
song: vortex - lizzy mcalpine. i, too, don’t know what to do anymore…
song cover: allegedly may have cried to this almost every day this month before bed… my current renewed adventure time hyperfixation will probably pass (there are only so many episodes and video essays i can watch) but my love for frank watkinson never will. his other adventure time covers are also beautiful but my favourites are this, this, and this !
tiktok: i have flirted with summer house for years but this tiktok is what actually made me tap in (watch a few episodes, all the reunions and too many wwhl clips before binging the entire series). but while that was the most influential tiktok on my personal life, this one still changed my brain chemistry. the plot continues to thinnen…
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tv show: girls5eva. i am a little late to the party but i finally got around to watching this and hacks. despite being clinically down to clown, i have never really been into roleplay but tina fey as dolly parton really awoke something in me… four former girl band members navigate life post-fame and attempt to make their big comeback. what could go wrong! this show was truly made for me but my biggest problem with this show is i constantly feel attacked because of how much i love all the songs that are supposed to be “bad”. when welcome to now ends up on my spotify wrapped, i will be seeing sara bareilles in court…
youtube video: emma chamberlain has come a long way from doing international house of pancakes mukbangs with bbl drizzy’s son jim charlie. as someone who built her brand on being Authentically Herself, it has been (to borrow a term from every bachelor contestant) a journey for her to navigate what Content she will make as her life drastically changes. women in the entertainment industry have always faced psychotic levels of scrutiny, but there seems to also be a certain vitriol behind it for feminine content creators. emma started making videos on her channel when she was barely fifteen. eight years later, she has a successful podcast, a massive coffee empire, is the official interviewer for the met gala, and regularly doing massive high fashion and beauty campaigns for luxury brands. but because she started her career online as quirky relatable girl that is not your friend, fans will often scrutinise/bemoan the changes when she does still try to let her audience in on what her life looks like NOW. theoretically, i understand wanting the content you watch to be cartoon pilled and never change ?? i guess… i just never understood the anger behind it! i never got mad at my friends for getting big girl jobs post-graduation so why would i be mad at my fake one for thriving? her tax bracket and job titles have changed quite a bit, but she still seemingly is the same anxious goofy girl and i always enjoy the tiny insights into her Glamourous Life now! i cannot explain it but seeing videos like this scratches the same itch in my brain that i get when i talk to friends about their pregnancy/birth experiences. will never be my journey but i love learning!!!
that’s all for this month. i am so glad this month is over. it felt like it would never end!!!!! good riddance! looking forward to these alleged may flowers after nearly drowning in april’s endless unrelenting showers…
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xx
when the mayor said to let him know if there was anything he could do for me, i am pretty sure he meant it rhetorically or at least if it was pertaining to the go green initiative we met once a month with the group of community leaders to discuss. i still asked him to ban jay leno from ever coming to our city and if possible, state
timmy thick (leo), professor tox(timeless), and angel mamii (leo) are obviously the other 3 heads. cc is a libra, like tom schwartz :/
every day there is a new documentary it seems proving that some things are still very much, well, horrifying
cc, if you’re reading this!!! it’s all jokes!!! i love little women and beautiful boy! and am also a recovering michael fassbender stan…
adventure time season 5 has 52 episodes. love island regularly (if not always) has 40+ episodes!!!! i need this for all my favourite shows!!! idc i love a filler ep!!! waste my time!!! what else am i going to do??? read a damn book! not likely :-)
WHY IS ALL OF RYAN GOSLING’S PRESS ABOUT ALL GOOD THINGS WIPED FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH ESP SAYING ROBERT DURST WAS ON SET!!!!! I WILL NEVER BE OVER THIS!!!! SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON!!!!!!
in the show, she spends the season thinking she is dying of some rare disease but in the finale they find out she just has not had a drop of water in decades. she even gargles with whiskey when she brushes her teeth. ryan murphy you evil rat i love u
god is real and they have been unbanned at the time of this publication
it was a beautiful wes anderson film and not my least favourite margot robbie film
loved all of this this, thank u :)