ladies, leave your man at home (and off the grid)
without him, the timeline will be jumpin jumpin
beyoncé has this little game she plays with me where she tries to get me to like photos of jay-z. she will do multiple photo dumps periodically (more recently, mrs. z is giving us lots of Content quite frequently) and will sneak a photo with him into one of the last of the slides. lemonade came out a little bit after my parents divorced so unfortunately i will never be able to embrace sandcastles for evermore or move forward with the rapper of the worst verse in 2010’s monster, if not of all time. and while she is The Trendsetter with the ability to change the game with the digital drop, she is not the only partaker in this unholy instagram act.
there has long been debate and jokes about people having instagram accounts for their children and/or their pets. while i may have begun this debate on the wrong side of herstory, i now stand with the instagram slime lord that made having multiple instgrams a Thing because i believe in a woman’s right to choose!
i feel more emotionally involved in the instagram accounts of my friends’ and instagram famous (even if only in my heart) pets than i have ever felt for even the closest people in my life. i chose to follow them and find out about their daily gags, goofs, and absolutely stunning fits. they rarely bog me down with their private relationships!!!
when i followed my second favourite member of destiny’s child, i expected nothing other than gorgeous absolute stunning gowns and a guarantee that my existence would never be acknowledged! my favourite member kelandria also subscribes to reminding me that a bald man is more deserving of her love than i! i have enough humbling in my life. the last place i need it is when i am scrolling through my janky timeline1!
all of my gorgeous gorgeous friends that love soup all too quickly lose their top spot in the chicken coop when they begin sharing their soup and grid space with their significant others! there is no us in instagram, only i!
give me your teary eyed tmi posts, you smiling beside a food you found most pleasing, your gorgeous groundbreaking fits, your memes, and even your live laugh love google quotes. but please leave your significant other out of my timeline to live solely in your camera roll (2021, kacey musgraves).
the stars of my heart and instagram feed:
BERTIE : king of my heart
bailey : she hips. she hops. she loves hip hop.
norbert : so ugly he becomes beautiful
stella : legendary ice queen that invented being soft and fluffy
bao bao : everything. icon. legend. the moment. come on now!
kiwi : only Content Creator i care about
crouton : rage is beautiful
ms. fluffle stilt skin : jake is insane. either he is writing or someone is being paid by him to write these captions. truly sick in The head. gorgeous gal
graham cracker : star of vanderump rules
tina : it is tina’s world and we are just living in it
hamlet: pugs are gods
oak: invented being photogenic
shuandtree: the soothing and enjoyable content. legendary youtube presence
for weeks, instagram is the only app on my phone that freezes and refuses to play videos! and yet i still come back like the absolute saddle-goose that i am!