for once, us weekly is on the right side of herstory. celebrities are just like us. in that they need oxygen, water, and food to survive. and that sometimes they have a bad (or no bones, if you will) day.
some celebrities are rotted to their core with no redemption in sight, much like your coworker janice. but some are just your regular smegular person but with more money than god and a face carved and sculpted by the surgical elite!
this week ira of keep it and you cameo fame pleaded his case before the court of public opinion to let celebrities let their freak flag fly, citing the way most celebrities list “being relatable” as their hobbies and sole personality trait while doing interviews and/or posting online. i definitely agree that it is time to retire the imagine video-esque mediaification of everyone who wishes to have their own disney/marvel1 contract! but i think celebrities being a weirdo a la jughead jones is just the other side of the media machine’s coin.
adele goes to gay clubs with jennifer lawrence and does nicki minaj’s monster verse. she loves beyoncé so much that she champions her worst album! she makes vegetable soup for herself and wears chanel tracksuits in summer weather to pick up the ingredients. she is a Quirky and Charming Girl as much as she is an Island Girl! everything i have ever learned about adele has been against my will, and i actually love her! but why the full court press? after her first and colourful instagram live, adele is getting chewbacca mom’ed!!! and i hate it! the bitch can belt and everyone will be tuning into her new album, whether or not peppa pig is a guest feature!
celebrities are not interesting! much like christmas is a capitalist pig with her best church lipstick on as she insists you buy everyone you have ever met a gift, celebrities are propped up to sell magazines which help promote their silly little projects! knowing that zendaya and twink willy wonka have achieved “peak bestie” does not sway me to turn on the blue-eyed man group film!
i do not care if cameron crowe multiverse character colson baker is weed to megan fox. i do not care that kylie jenner (self-made billionaire the way heating up a frozen pizza would be considered self-made) is pregnant again. i do not care that star of MY citizen kane, cats, idris elba could be james bond unless i somehow got hired to be a part of the casting director staff of the next (hopefully shorter running timed) james bond film. good for them!!! but how is that any of my christian business?
ex-countess luann of rhony fame and andrew lloyd webber of coming out as heterosexual fame were spotted together in a dj booth while my national anthem, WHO LET THE DOGS OUT played.
i never want to know any context behind this video. sometimes, ignorance is the only bliss! what do you gain from knowing your grandmother’s cornbread casserole was made while she was listening to a youtube video breaking down why covid was actually created to hide the fact that the earth is flat?
celebrities should be so hot and private that people constantly forget very major facts about them, ie lee pace’s favourite lady gaga album is artpop. last week, i touched on how everyone (under and over 10k followers) needs to leave their jester flop partners that i did not sign up to follow off the grid…
…and celebrities should keep that same energy when it comes to their pr team’s insistence they come across as relatable. i do not want my celebrities relatable. i do not care about bennifer kissing over their masks. i want j.lo to berate photographers for looking her in the eye, much like she does to anyone without a cellphone recording in their hand.
not every celebrity can be paul rudd! and who would want them to be??? if everyone was paul rudd, paul rudd would cease to lose his je ne sais quoi!!!! knowing kathryn heigl is “difficult” to work with does not affect MY ability to enjoy her oeuvre nor does knowing xtina is the way she is make stripped any less of a masterpiece!
i think celebrities should fire all of their publicists and just let the cards crumble where they may! jennifer lawrence made a career out of Being Relatable….all while she was besties with harvey weinstein and voting for john “father of meghan” mccain!
so let naomi campbell throw your phone into oncoming traffic when you ask for a selfy! let meryl streep defend her pal harvey weinstein in peace! let tyler perry be joker-brained! let ben affleck publicly be the man his back tattoo proclaims him to be! let ellen be a nasty ole hag! let chris pratt continue to be the face of a global trafficking ring, i mean church :-)
ok, maybe not the last one? but you get the point! let’s make celebrity culture great again! paris hilton was exposed for being a massive evil bully and disgusting racist and now she and her mother are beloved icons! <3
the most interesting things about famous people are the things they desperately try to conceal!!! celebrities are just like us except they are not at all?? so why do we keep pretending like they are? let them be dumb, nasty, and rude! because who cares! nothing matters! every celebrity should have trisha paytas’s online presence. then maybe nature will actually begin healing…
xx
aka disney/marvel/lucasfilms/pixar/abc/20th century studios/espn/touchstone studios/hollywood records/a+e networks/hulu/vice/abc family/maker studios