buckifyouknuckington palace presents: the music royal family
lizzo opening for haim to naming justin bieber the prince of pop pipeline / grammys 2022
the grammys are tonight. as peppa pig has been once again snubbed1, i will not be tuning in. however. it has been MANY months2 so everyone has moved on but i cannot move past lizzo’s cast list posting for the who’s who of music royalty. so many questions and nary an answer in sight….
as a proud member of team tweet and delete, who be i to cast the first brick at the rumour(s singer) mill but ???? why ??? i feel similarly about the most recent album by former canadian (i belieb he now identifies as jamaican, last i checked) teen soap actor because i cannot even pretend to understand the choices of the minds behind the bangers i gleefully had preganancy scares to!
internet stans, as they are wont to do, went bizaardvark over this alleged madonna slander like the number one person bashing madonna’s g00d name is not miss madge herself! having bops does not a royal family member of the music industry make! if only releasing absolute bangers was the criteria, the king and the queen of all musical entities would be bobby badfingers and bhad bhabie!
as a member of the no purpose flour family lineage, far be it for me to make assumptions about r&b but even helen keller would be able to assess that justin bieber’s mentor is not necessarily seeing the r&b greats in anything but a dance battle! no matter how hard usher had us going for him as he pleaded with his girlfriend to not be mad at for knocking someone else up…talk about calling up someone just to break them like a promise…
while i fear usher has my vote solely for snubbed by the academy for a truly inspired supporting actor in the arthouse film hustlers, mr. raymond is not the most baffling selection on lizzo’s list to me! a select group of highly skilled anthropologists are still hard at work determining the difference between princess of pop and pop princess.
i think much like gender and blockbuster, musical genres seem like a very distant and outdated concept even if they once served a valued purpose. the only time i care about musical genres is when beyonce gets into her yee yee roots and teases an album that has both brooks and dunn quivering in their ironed levis. so forgive me if MY musical royal family strays from the rivers and the lakes that you are used to:
queen of music/the night: WHITNEY HOUSTON. sorry nbc, but there is only one Voice and it will never be adam levine.
queen of my heart: SELENA. i just know she would be the biggest star in the world if she were still alive. the genre bending + insane vocal tracks + her fashion sense? gaga would still be hiding in that damn egg!
queen of inventing music: billie holiday
queen of being everything: barbra streisand
king of being everything: elton john
king of rock n roll: chris gaines
queen of rock n roll: tina turner
king of pop: stevie wonder
queen of pop: janet jackson
lady in waiting to the queen of pop throne: rina sawayama
princess of pop: janet jackson’s daughter, britney spears
slayyyy queen of hyperpop: sophie
queen of oi bruv pop: adele
king of r&b:
justin bieberal greenprince of r&b/ping pong: prince
queen of r&b: mariah carey
princess of r&b/unionising the population against men: sza
queen of music/posting and ghosting/athleisure/being one third of the greatest xmas album/texas: beyoncé
king of soul/inventing stage presence: james brown
The Queen of soul: aretha franklin
queen of never being fat, nasty, broke, and mad as hell with rent due but keeping that energy in her heart: rihanna
queen of being mad as hell in and out of the studio: christina aguilera
king of hip hop: eazy-e
queen of hip hop: queen latifah
princess of hip hop/knowing her angles/having every angle be flawless/taking my dad to the mall: megan THEE stallion
king of hip hop soul: kevin gates
queen of hip hop soul: mary j blige
queen of being the person that should legally be allowed to shoot john mayer: jessica simpson
royal house band that is incapable of making a solitary bad song: ABBA
court jester: katherine perry
royal handmaidens whose births (management teams) and/or life choices never allowed them to be considered royalty despite the discographies being triple platinum in my kingdom: zayn, demi lovato, kehlani, jojo, tinashe, lauren jauregui, normani, victoria monet, halsey, SKY FERREIRA
queen of always making me say slay hunty queen in my heart: michelle branch
queen of having Bops, terrible instagram captions, and the best glee covers: madonna
this was mostly a joke! unless…. but i hope it made you laugh even half as much as it did for me writing it. sometimes we can have a little fun, as a treat. take a little break from spending hours fact checking and researching to move into our hollywood unlocked era for a Moment. big ups to lizzo for the original tweets because it was so insane and incredible and the exact type of content that will keep me shackled to the bird app until i die!!!
the only thing more unhinged than either of our lists are some of the nominees for tonight’s grammys. best new artist but has been putting out music for a decade will always be my favourite returning gag!!! i may be far too grown to engage in stan culture yet the hive blood runs too deep in my veins…i can barely remember what happened 12 hours ago but i NEVER forget anyone that has slighted beyoncé and the grammys are certainly near the top of that list. so good luck to all the nominees tonight but unless lil durk makes a surprise performance tonight…..
xx
this is a nothing phrase like saying the earth is flat, but my loyalty to peppa is not a joke! when you have kids (or your mother has another kid when you are 24), then you will realise! her albums are certified bangers. she is the carly rae jepsen of children’s music but with charli xcx bravery and genre experimentation
you do not understand how long this has been sitting in my drafts…. literally since september 2021