peaks and valleys: september 2021
red (jordan's version)
happy guactober! mercury is back at it again with the retrograde vans, but even That is nothing compared to the pus that infects the mucous...that cruds up the fungus...that feeds on the pond scum month that september was. even though it was mostly bad, there were a few bright spots….i think? let me listen to my latest britney power hour playlist and try to remember a time when “couch guy” tok was not a thing………
PEAKS
britney spears is free….from her father! perhaps judge brenda penny saw the nyt’s controlling britney spears. or netflix’s britney v spears. or even the cnn one that britney did not seem to enjoy! or perhaps cnn calling britney’s former business manager out by her government name had her social media team a little shooketh! all of the documentaries actually had no problem name checking non spears related bad actors on Team Con so maybe judge penny thought she’d be next! or maybe her son did not want any bad press for the final season of insecure. regardless, judge penny suspended jamie spears as conservator and said no appeals, darling dear. crossing my fingers that vivian thoreen will be able to witness her first conservatorship ending on 11/12/21, britney’s next court hearing. her lawyer said he wants her out of the conservatorship by her 40th birthday on december 2nd. if that happens, i will be at akbar freeing more than just the nipple a la the most recent instagram posts of my sagittarian queen. it is truly so emotional to see the light and joy that britney has now that she will never have to listen to what her father tells her to do for the rest of her life.
but this is only one step closer to freedom for britney jean. she is still under two conservatorshipS. her new temporary conservator that replaced her father is a cpa and that is no coincidence, as he will now receive every document and correspondence from the past 13 years. if there is a paper trail, britney’s newly chosen legal team will find it. and if there is not, that will raise a whole new wave of questioning of mismanagement. her new lawyer mathew rosengart (deserving of every fancam) has done impossibly more for britney in just over two months than her previous lawyer sam ingham accomplished the entire 13 years. rosengart told reports outside of the courtroom
“the ramifications are going to be more severe than just civil litigation against mr. spears based on my present understanding of what happened.”
it seems inevitable that britney will enter 2022 being free for the first time in since george w. bush was still in office. there is going to be fallout and scrutiny on the people behind such an unprecedented conservatorship case; nearly all conservators are unemployed due to physical and mental incapacitation, certainly none are headling vegas residencies and world tours. but i hope that scrutiny remains on the bad actors and not a bad reboot of 2007 :/
patti harrison bringing up life itself on las cultch. not since drew tarver bringing up mark lowry (also on las culturistas) have i felt a body chill of feeling deeply understood. i did not think it was possible to love patti more but hearing her explain the most insane movie i have forced my friends to endure similar retellings of made me realise constantly telling patti i love her is not enough. much like oscar isaac, i need a gun!!!! this movie is so insane and as much as the masochist in me wishes to recommend that you also endure the this is us creator’s most daring emotional porn project yet so i am not alone, a quick scan on the synopsis is also just as thrilling without the emotional torture/investment!!!
kacey musgraves’s new album starcrossed. i would have appreciated more of don’t hurt yourself and got more of forward (ft. jameela jamil’s boyfriend)!!! that being said, i do enjoy at least a third of the album (specifically 5-10,13,15) and it grows more on me with each listen. breadwinner is Everything 2 me currently. it is basically liability by lorde for girls and gays that have at least one family member that competes in rodeos. but ultimately, i am now forced to rely solely on adele to give me what i Need!
“i love myself but i hate the way i am” -trixie mattel speaking on my internal daily dialogue. the most recent Activity to elicit this thought was the most recent phone case i created. you know that meme about “i have to be the hottest person in this autozone” or whatever is me with my phone cases. i do not tweet about being in the gifted program in grade school; instead, harvesting that energy into making sure my phone case and popsockets (i have two so my tiny rat hands do not get tired and so i can prop my phone up to watch Content) let everyone know that i am simply built Different™️. when i took my phone out of my case to show my sister the model of the case, all of my retired athlete reflexes failed to prevent me from shattering my phone. and thus my journey began.
i used to commission artwork on etsy or society6 for my phone cases but casetify boasts the protection of military grade materials that allow your phone to be dropped from 30 feet with no harm! and since i have begun to use her, for the first time in my life i have been wowed by the military’s feats! i was (allegedly) high and made one i had forgotten about until i went to add another one into my cart but casetify tried to silence both because my creations were too Powerful and they were scared (also i did not “own” the “rights” to the “images”.) but after perusing the butterflies and considering dm-ing lisa frank for a new zoomer and zorbit case, i realised i needed to Look Camp in the Eye. but any old ghoul can behold camp in their sights. so, to avoid being creatively held back by “copyright” “laws” i simply chose to use my passion (graphic design) to Look Camp in the Evil Eye. please clap.
speaking of things i made…..completed my citizen kane aka this kim richards fancam i made inspired by a klonopin dream i had! her memoir THE WHOLE TRUTH was set to drop this month but because life is cruel, it seems to be have been scrapped. at least we still have house of hilton. but a burned book deal has not stopped kim erica richards from reminding the world they ain’t fucked kim they fucked the old body!!!!
octavia spencer’s comment on the instagram post britney spears made announcing her engagement to fast and furious franchise hopeful sam asghari. the star of ma is just like me! people sent waves of hate to the oscar AND golden globe winner, eventually causing her to release an apology. the internet hates pure, innocent fun! even sam lutfi pal/britney’s fiancé made his own jokes, taking all of the prenup/less than congratulations comments in respectable stride. anyway, it made me laugh very hard and now several spears and asghari himself are following octavia! because unlike the clowns who harassed mrs. spencer, they have Taste
finished rewatching it’s always sunny in philadelphia. i can always tell how close my therapy session is by how attracted to rob mcelhenny specifically as ronald “mac” mcdonald i am. no spoilers but a certain plotline in season 12 sadly proves that i am only able to be attracted to one type of man, fictitious or otherwise.
VALLEYS
being a barb.
gregg leakes and norm macdonald both passing away after long battles with cancer. there are very few men in this world that i have ever loved and they both easily made the list! i spent more than a decade of my life crying laughing at The househusband blueprint and my entire life at possibly the funniest comedian to ever do it! there have been a few contenders for number one bravo boy in jersey but nobody ever came even close to riding for their wife while staying true to themselves like gregg! norm was, to quote tina turner, simply the best. my love and thoughts go to their children and gregg’s/my queen linnethia monique leakes💔😭💔
everyone learning/remembering ellen pompeo is from boston. i cannot keep defending my sister! but i am grateful for her doing her very best to save us both from the grip that grey’s anatomy has had over her and i for nearly two decades
diana: the musical. just seeing the title, i knew i hated it. all disrespect to anyone involved, but everything about it i have learned against my will and i HATE IT!!!! leave her alone!!!! get a job!
disgraced youtuber and discovery channel darling david dobrik starting up his podcast VIEWS again sans new cohost. meaning he continues to have a coworker that is almost 50 years old (twice david’s and most of his friends’ ages) that pretends he needs the money from the podcast “for his kids to go to college” like their mother is not a wildly successful film and television producer… the ancient gargoyle that haunts david’s vlogs and now one of my favourite mukbang youtube channels has made several embarrassing attempts to free himself from being david’s content gimp but to no avail so he will have to continue tricking barely legals into kissing him for daddy david. david already facilitated a sexual assault with his vlogs so now helping fund an (alleged) drug problem with his podcast? cancel culture is truly a myth ;-)
entering the darkest timeline possible as i finally found the rat king attractive!!!! while he is listening to kanye :-( like?????
turtleneck and chain is too powerful! i have had Feelings for everyone from the lonely island to shioban roy when they wear this simple yet effective killer combo
also will not be publicly speaking on finding out that jack harlow is 6’3”. his appearance on amelia dimoldenberg’s online chat show i adore sealed my fate. i HATE it here !
until next september, billy joe!
xx