FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: the las culturistas culture awards

to whom it may concern.....

the only awards season that matters is here. as someone who carries the entire entertainment industry on my back, i humbly suggest my clients for the following awards:

1. BIGGEST JESTER: currently matt damon for (without prompt) revealing he has recently retired the word “faggot” from his every day vocabulary because his daughter told him to stop. much like liam neeson’s racially motivated killing fantasy journey, why did you do this and why do i need to know?? absolute insanity and certainly jester behaviour

2. BIGGEST FLOP: kelsey grammer. he seemingly flopped to the ground very hard or at least hard enough to make him say “oh good lord.”

3. BIGGEST JESTER FLOP: chet hanks. who could have guessed that the son of tom thee hanks who also sometimes speaks in a jamaican accent for no discernible reason is not a great, stand up guy?? i will, however, forever treasure the cameo he made for america’s unhinged sweetheart, my darling pisces sister alexis wilson.

4. BIGGEST JESTER FLOP IN THE CLOWN SQUARE: emoblackthot aka isaiah hickland. more on that at a later date…

5. MOST AMAZING IMPACT IN FILM: amanda bynes, she’s the man (2006) shakespeare learned everything he ever knew (which is very little) from this movie

6. BEST ASKER: oprah. changed the game with that daytime spot. know where you were when that markle 1-on-1 dropped. “were you silent or were you silenced?” truly unparalleled for making the questions much more interesting than the answers, even.

7. FUNNIEST GAY MAN: leslie jordan. “lesbian humour is nothing like gay men’s humour. we’re sillier.”

8. FUNNIEST GAY WOMAN: drew barrymore. “do i like women sexually? yeah, i do. totally. i have always considered myself bisexual... i love a woman's body. i think a woman and a woman together are beautiful, just as a man and a woman together are beautiful. being with a woman is like exploring your own body, but through someone else…”

9. BEST NEWS WE HEARD: lol

10. BEST CANDY: kit kat autumn sweet potato. literal heaven.

    

11. BEST CHOCOLATE: oatly chocolate ice cream.

12. BEST PICTURE:

    

13. ALBUM OF THE YEAR: the official (never released) cinderella soundtrack from the 1997 movie. whitney AND brandy??? and egot winner whoopi goldberg…. the competing record labels having a problem is theirs alone and should not force me to be streaming paolo montalban’s solo album so much he is still one my top artists on spotify…..

14. RECORD OF THE YEAR: drummer boy - justin bieber ft. busta rhymes

15. BEST SELTZER FLAVOUR: pellegrino original. every other flavour is a joke and embarrassment. or to quote jaboukie young-white, “lacroix is like drinking sprite with a condom.”

    

16. MOST SHOCKING MOMENT OF THE YEAR: probably january 6th. :/

17. BEST TEEN: olivia rodrigo. sour has got a point, it is an icon, it is a legend, and it is the moment. come on now!

18. BEST TWENTY SOMETHING: margot robbie. or did she finally decide to turn 30

19. BEST THIRTY SOMETHING: britney jean spears. her last chance to win this award. if leonardo dicaprio can receive an award for That movie out of obligation, my client is far more deserving of hers. thank you.

20. LADY GAGA FOR BEING ONE PERSON IN A ROOM AWARD: bo burnham, inside (2021)

21. BEST STRAIGHT OR HETEREOSEXUAL PERSON: liza minnelli

22. MOST ICONIC BUILDING OR STRUCTURE: leaning tower of pisa! risk! intrigue!! stability! icon!

23. BEST YOUTUBE VIDEO OF THOSE CHART DATA TIMELINE THINGS:

24. BEST KATY PERRY MOMENT:

25. BEST MOVIE WE DID NOT SEE:

    

    “dude! your dad, like, froze that lady!” every once in a while, i remember the plot of this movie and am speechless

26. OUTSTANDING REALITY COMPETITION HOST: chad johnson, ochocinco: the ultimate catch (2010). the winner went on to do great things.

27. SMALLEST SNUB: when i worked at a yogurt shop in high school, my aunt pretended not to know me because she did not want to be associated with The Help in front of her friends

28. WORST INSULT TOWARDS US: kelly clarkson (the view, 9/20/18)

29. SCARIEST MONSTER:

    

30. MOST CONTROVERSIAL WENDY WILLIAMS MOMENT: when god sings with his creations, will a turtle not be part of the choir? so many moments to choose from. but it took me years to get over the way she treated whitney houston. to the point where years ago, i had beef with an instagram plastic surgeon’s receptionist who refused to change the channel from a wendy marathon while a friend was getting a bbl. but this clip always has felt like she was so close to being human and yet…

31. MOST RECURRING STRESS DREAM: my entire family is killed by a drunk driver

32. WORST WAY TO DIE: getting curb stomped by ryan gosling. may seem appealing but he has small feet so it would probably take longer than you think. pretty sure that was not the point of the movie drive, but still….

33. BEST FLAVOUR OF THEM ALL: pistachio

34. BEST LIL BRO: lenny kravitz

35. BEST BIG BRO: jason momoa

36. BEST FRIEND: jenna marbles and julien solomita. friendship goals

37. MOST MEMORABLE LINE IN A MOVIE: “surely, you can’t be serious.” -robert hays “i am serious and don’t call me shirley.” -leslie nielsen (airplane!, 1980)

38. MOST MEMORABLE LINE IN A TV SHOW: “I’m gagging for you, fagg*t.” -kate berlant (Season 1 of The Other Two)

39. BEST NOTE EVER SUNG: the way lauren murray hits “guy” is most pleasing to me.

40. WORST NOTE EVER SUNG: every non celine dion person that has attempted this in karaoke

41. BEST LIVE PERFORMANCE BY A WOMAN:

42. DIABLO CODY SCREENPLAY AWARD: shiva baby aka “uncut gems for hot jewish sluts”

43. CATE BLANCHETT AWARD FOR GOOD ACTING: j. smith-cameron in succession #slimepuppy

44. KYLIE MINOGUE AWARD FOR WHY HAVEN’T THEY HAPPENED IN AMERICA YET: LITTLE MIX!!!!! they should be the biggest band in the world!!!!

45. LITTLE MIX AWARD FOR BEING ABSOLUTELY FIERCE BOOTS: little mix!!!! stream confetti ! and watch anne marie’s new music video featuring my favourite trio!!!

46. TINA TURNER LEGEND AWARD: tina turner. watching her documentary reminded me that there will only ever be one Tina and how grateful i am to be living in the same timeline as simply The Best. another incredible woman of the industry that was reduced to one of the worst parts of her life by the media and reporters. she deserved so much better than she got so i am glad the documentary showered her with love and praise and honour. a true icon beyond!!!!

47. MOST RELAXING DESTINATION: magic jewerly (238 canal street #108, new york, ny 10013). i have been getting my aura read, gems reenergised, and gossiping over cookies and tea since i was in high school. i do not know a better place.

48. BEST DAMN BIRD: tweety. she is addicted to serving cunt

49. BEST DISNEY WORLD RIDE: buzz lightyear. sorry to say. but it must be said.

50. BEST UNIVERSAL STUDIOS ORLANDO RIDE: revenge of the mummy. when i was in middle school, i got through assuring my sobbing six year old cousin that the ride was over when the announcement came on signalling the end of the ride. only to have a ghoulish figure appear and say “DEATH IS ONLY THE BEGINNING” before a large drop!! to me, that is cinema

51. SIX FLAGS AWARD FOR WORST RIDE IN ORLANDO: texas giant, six flags dallas. is dallas not the orlando of texas? truly the most rickety rollercoaster i have ever been on. the wooden nightmare has caused injuries and one documented fatality. and shed light on the fact that there are no theme park safety oversight committees, even for giant corporations.

52. BEST COUSIN OF THE WEEK OF ALL TIME EVER: candice bergen of bergenbags on instagram. now running a merch store and seemingly normal instagram presence, true heads remember that when she was not too busy being nominated for prestigious awards like golden globes or even a damn academy award that she was charging 1000 bucks a pop to paint on luxury designer bags

53. BEST I DON’T THINK SO HONEY OF ALL TIME: cole escola, 2017

54. BEST THING TO ORDER FOR THE TABLE: spinach & artichoke dip. if you did not bring your lactaid, that’s Your Problem

55. BEST DINNER: cereal! classic and light! my personal favourite is wheaties or trader joe’s oatmeal flakes! but any breakfast will do. i think breakfast for dinner is Art and is the temple i worship at

56. BEST LUNCH: rice!!! diy journey to the center of your truth because she is so versatile and we loooove that about her. onigiri is my current mode of rice transportation

57. BEST BREAKFAST: iced coffee. different strokes for different folks and my particular stroke is iced oatmilk latte

58. BEST SNACK: seaweed!!!! i am an absolute slut for annie chun’s crisps!!!!

59. BEST BEVERAGE: water!!!! my signature move is to ask for water with lime because i am an aquarius rising and also kourtney kardashian told me years ago that lime is great for digestion

60. BEST FISH: goldfish. their memory is absolute ass and i think that is brave and honestly beautiful. if i could forget ever seeing matthew morrison perform bust it on glee, i would

61. KATHRYN HAHN AWARD FOR US BEING GAGGED!!!: last five minutes of the season two finale of succession!!!! the timeline was in shambles!! yes we all gagged for miss agatha all along but kendall roy !!!! number one boy!!!! truly shocked a nation

62. WORST CRIMINAL OF ALL TIME: ryan murphy!!!! he cannot keep getting away with this……..

63. BEST INFLUENCER WE HAVEN’T HEARD OF:

    

    

64. BEST EMOJI: 🍆🍆🍆💦🚂👻

65. BEST EMOTION TO PORTRAY: like you have a little secret that nobody knows. maybe you will tell it. maybe not

66. BEST ANIMAL ON THE FARM: babe (1995). legends only

67. BEST ANIMAL IN THE FORREST: gun to my head? giraffes!!! although i do subscribe to the theory that they are actually aliens because how else do you explain why they are the way they are!!!!

68. BEST ANIMAL IN THE SEA. no submission. what happens in the sea is none of MY business

69. BEST BILLIONAIRE: gary dahl. rip

70. BEST PLANET: planet her. sorry chromatica

71. BEST TEACHER WE EVER HAD (TEACHER RESPECT AWARD): mrs. onika tanya maraj-petty

72. MOST COLOURFUL COLOUR: black. miss girl not only absorbs all the Other colours, she is slimming and chic. legend

    and now……THE BIGGEST CATEGORY OF THE NIGHT…..

73. THE CHRISTINA AGUILERA AWARD FOR COMING ON THIS BITCH MAD AS HELL!!!: there is only one answer. there never has been nor will there ever be such a public display of outrage than on may 10, 2019. when constance wu learned of the renewal of her show fresh off the boat. she took her shock and raw anger across multiple social platforms in such a spectacular show i was deeply disturbed to not see it land her a daytime emmy nomination and subsequent win.

    

much like ru paul’s drag race and being a rich straight white man, the rules are that there are no rules! run do not walk to your local polling places to place your votes (specifically twitter.com/lasculturistas) and even suggest your own clients for these prestigious awards!